alright, so now what. I have no freaking clue. I guess I try and find a job. i feel like it is some kind of mistake, that we need to talk it over, and it will somehow work out, because... it always does, somehow. She said she felt weak, does that mean it can somehow come back? Does that mean that she doesn't have a certain dizzy, lightheaded feeling? isn't that normal? things like that are supposed to fade, aren't they? and in their place is a comfort, just being totally comfortable with the person. But I can't say any of this to her can I? If I do that, I'm hanging on too tight, i'm not taking my rejection, like a man, not taking it gracefully. Maybe if we stay friends somehow... then if it is meant to be, like if we're supposed to be together, it will happen. Not having heard anything at all kills me inside. maybe she thinks what is done is done, and that it is time to get over it all. maybe she thinks that the ball is in my court. I'm so angry with myself for leaving so soon. if somehow things were going to be fixxed magically, that was going to be the time, that would have made things easier, if I had just, not acted like I was being thrown out. slowed down, just a little. for just one question, "are you sure?" I feel like now, she is DEFINATELY sure, she knows that i need to be gone... but i just don't understand... how she can fall for me without even seeing me. And then when I show up, she tells me that i don't make her feel a certain certain way. she mentioned something about this being the third time she's done it to me. yeah, she's right. that is one helluva pattern. but what if the whole time she hasn't been able to see the forest for the trees? she said once that she talked with sally about things that are "normal" to feel in a relationship. that was december. she said that what she feels now, was just like december. she said 2 weeks ago now, as she held me, that she just felt so comfortable around me... isn't that worth something? i thought that was what it was all about. i really want to talk to her, talk about all this. i have to wait for the weekend i'm sure. she does have alot to do. am i hanging on too tightly? i don't know. i really don't know. i'm trying to follow my heart again, a practice that got me in this situation in the first place. But i cannot say that i did not enjoy the journey. i really don't want it to stop. i feel like we aren't done yet. but maybe that is just denial? so many questions, so many that I don't even come close to being able to answer. not on my own. i really need help, except i'm really afraid to ask for it. i feel that the answer is already one that i know. i just can't get it through my head.