I am very afraid right now.

I am afraid of a lot of things right now.

I am afraid of how I think.

I am afraid of how I work.

I am afraid of everything that has ever been in my world.

My room mates are gone. Without making my life so dramatic, it feels like I am exactly like that. It is just me in a room made for three. Something isn't quite right about that. As I sip the last from a stubborn jar of once cold coffee. I wonder how tired I am. I know, that if I was to go to bed right now, I would not sleep. I would lie in bed. Waiting for sleep to come. And then it likely would not, as I would be thinking about it even more. So I just stay here. I know what I know, right now. But even then, there are two voices, fighting with such precision and practiced hatred as through it was a feud that has stretched for aeons.

One wins. I am filled with resolve, determination and a sense of puropse. Reason raises itself from the dead and challenges me. My resolve crumbles, determination shatters, puropse disintegrates. I wonder if maybe we all can't just get along? And now I am demanding reason, reasons, questions and answers, and time. and time.

alot of time.

Maybe I have created it all. From my head, created it all. There is nothing, was nothing will be nothing to be nothing is the goal i don't know right now. right now i feel so confused, and like my world was a snowglobe that someone either has shattered or just shaken up a bit. And I am the boy, i dare not call myself a man, that used to lives there. But I don't know what has happened. All i know is chaos. I am trying so very hard to put things back into some kind of order. Right now, they are still kind of scattered around. gradually, i can feel them coming back into the places that they belong. A roommate enters, it feels like my room once more. One less piece of chaos. Now i have a place to put the puzzle at the very least. Sleep helps. it always does, but I fear the dreams I will have. And desire the dreams I will not. I only dream of tragedy now. I dream of myself, cut, burned, hurt, maimed, bleeding, blind,cold, failed, disowned. It would be so perfectly dramatic to say "oh and that's how i FEEL too... in my SUBCONCIOUS" but realistically, do i feel that way? reason calmly replies no... while my heart screams yes.

it is my fault, somehow. I need to revaluate. I need to think. i need to not be scared. i need to dream. i need to hope.

I am going to survive. I know. But I don't know if all of me will survive. I want to. I want to. But I am very scared. As I type, I become less. The puzzle fits more and more now. I don't know. I need to think and not panic. That's what I need. I need to be honest. And I'm trying to be. The most honest that I can. The letters one by one force me to think about what I say. More controlled, less sporadic.

Really, that is all it comes down to. Control. My life is out of control, and I don't know how to bring it back. Not yet. I have to regain control. I have to. I have to.

So now what do I say, to those who have witnessed me with no plan, with no control.

goodbye.