my cat is very sick. threw up on me and my bed last night. little bit of cleanup after that. she has been shedding non stop for about 2 weeks now. she does not have very much hair left now. what a shitty 2 weeks. it's so hard to know that she hasn't once looked back. makes me feel even worse. she is totally fine. totally happy. and i'm the one carrying the heartbreak. i have to get on with it. get over it. but then i start making excuses for myself. for gods sake it has only been a week and a few days. not even 2 weeks and she's over it. that really hurts. guess i was right in what i thought a year ago now. i'm just a toy. pick me up when convenient, put down when tiresome. except it isn't so much getting put down as being thrown into the fireplace to burn. if there is ever another girl that i care for like i did her, i know that i will never love the same. only minutes before she reevaluated she tells me she's inlove with me. what is that supposed to mean to me when some one else tells me that? if someone else tells me that. i know i'll believe them. but i will be waiting for the time when i show up at their door and they tell me that i need to sit down. why should i sit down anyway? are they afraid that i am going to fall over from shock? yeah... i'll always be waiting for that moment. i was waiting for it this time. it's really too bad that i was right.
hurts to know she is leading a charmed existence. a single room, a great job, no parents, no boyfriend, and no regrets. i somehow picture her skipping to classes. happy to finally be rid of me, like it was some great master plan from the beginning.
then i look at myself. i'm at home. my parents torture me for fun, bringing up my failures at school and with my personal life. they keep telling me that i should never have given her a second shot. i don't have a job. i have busted my ass trying to find one. but there is nothing. and no one to hold my hand for all of it. i used to take alot of sympathy and companionship from my cat. but i don't think she will be here much longer. anyone's guess really. and lets not forget regets. i have plenty of those.
it just does not seem fair, how she can have everything. how she does have everything. how she can forget everything, while i'm left with all the memories. i always told her, my memory is as much a curse as it is a blessing.
life isn't fair.
maybe someday there will be a girl that will support me when i need it. maybe there will be one that will make me feel like i'm worth something, something more than just a toy. maybe there will be one that can make me smile like she used to. maybe there will be one, who doesn't scare me. maybe there will be one who knows how to be sincere. maybe there will be someone that knows that no relationship is "meant" to be, it's all about work.
i'm not holding my breath. i tried. i failed. no more girls. no first moves. no talks into the early mornings. i'm sick of this shit. i wondered why so many of the people i knew at willamette were unattached, and in no way shape or form looking for someone to attach to. i guess i'm one of those now. all i need now are retractable spikey bits to make sure i don't get subjected to any hugs. i fucking hate hugs. it's always some bitch that you don't even know and you're like, what the fuck, get the hell off of me.but nooooo they have to show how much they care. and they don't either. they don't effing care. they're just too stupid to know what the fuck else to do. if you wanna fucking HELP then LISTEN. don't wrap your arms around me and squeeze like i'm some kind of god damn chew toy.
[WiLdSeXyPrInCeSs]: i luv guyz where would they be wifout us gals???
[XeNoX]: Still in the Garden Of Eden you gullible bitch.
-CR
hurts to know she is leading a charmed existence. a single room, a great job, no parents, no boyfriend, and no regrets. i somehow picture her skipping to classes. happy to finally be rid of me, like it was some great master plan from the beginning.
then i look at myself. i'm at home. my parents torture me for fun, bringing up my failures at school and with my personal life. they keep telling me that i should never have given her a second shot. i don't have a job. i have busted my ass trying to find one. but there is nothing. and no one to hold my hand for all of it. i used to take alot of sympathy and companionship from my cat. but i don't think she will be here much longer. anyone's guess really. and lets not forget regets. i have plenty of those.
it just does not seem fair, how she can have everything. how she does have everything. how she can forget everything, while i'm left with all the memories. i always told her, my memory is as much a curse as it is a blessing.
life isn't fair.
maybe someday there will be a girl that will support me when i need it. maybe there will be one that will make me feel like i'm worth something, something more than just a toy. maybe there will be one that can make me smile like she used to. maybe there will be one, who doesn't scare me. maybe there will be one who knows how to be sincere. maybe there will be someone that knows that no relationship is "meant" to be, it's all about work.
i'm not holding my breath. i tried. i failed. no more girls. no first moves. no talks into the early mornings. i'm sick of this shit. i wondered why so many of the people i knew at willamette were unattached, and in no way shape or form looking for someone to attach to. i guess i'm one of those now. all i need now are retractable spikey bits to make sure i don't get subjected to any hugs. i fucking hate hugs. it's always some bitch that you don't even know and you're like, what the fuck, get the hell off of me.but nooooo they have to show how much they care. and they don't either. they don't effing care. they're just too stupid to know what the fuck else to do. if you wanna fucking HELP then LISTEN. don't wrap your arms around me and squeeze like i'm some kind of god damn chew toy.
[WiLdSeXyPrInCeSs]: i luv guyz where would they be wifout us gals???
[XeNoX]: Still in the Garden Of Eden you gullible bitch.
-CR
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