blah blah blah. lets see. whadda i got. Ur. I hung with some folks. Fun i guess. Man... once upon a time I had interesting stuff to say. kinda weird to hang with old folks from capital. telling me more and more that i don't live here. this is not my home. i do not belong here anymore. still kinda feeling like a pendulum. hard to make some things go away. make the personal notes. modify yourself accordingly, and then forget that the other you ever exsisted. it's the only way to fly. constantly remake myself. we all make that choice from day to day, who we are. so tonight i cleaned out my closet. I really considered a fire. Some sort of sacrificial flame with which to burn my past away. But you can't change everything at once, so in a grand, me style cop-out, I put them in a box. and the box went away. I just couldn't burn it. all that work and time and effort and feeling. you can't just kill it. I cannot remember what i've written and what i have not, but I've pretty well decided that once opened, a door will not by me closed be. It just doesn't really work. I guess I just never noticed it before. It's always there. and it never goes away. it just ceases to matter. none of us really matter anyway. I mean, we think we matter, and prolly puff up with rightious indignation when we are informed of our catgorically insignificant exsistance. But i mean... it's true isn't it. Would anything have really turned out any different had you or I not been around to see it go down?

Oh hello. Maybe that's this whole companionship bussiness. without the companion, you are without worth. No one knows you from adam, and they certainly aren't interested in the puny life that you certainly lead. So you hook up with someone and take an interest. Provided of course that they take an equal interest. you both systematically delude the other into thinking they have value.

It's like a mutually feeding parasitic relationship... that neither host is aware of... clever.

Everyone is happy.

So does this mean i get some kind of prize? No? Medal? No? What about a ribbon, can I get a ribbon? Pretty please?


-CR