Hair today gone tomorrow. Feeling disappointed in self. feeling urge to turn things around and take a different track. the fact of the matter is thoguh I think I may have blown it for me here. ughy. I don't know. i have another physics midterm coming up in like.. a week. I nevered really learned how to study. and when I did it involved some serious SPACE. not this cramped... whatever. ugh wanting to scream i dont' know why though. I mean things aren't fallinging apart yet. give them a week, then they'll be falling apart because then it will be time for another physics test. and time for me to want to have changed things in the past again. UGH. Okay so what is the plan of action, action-man? Nope noooo idea. feeling stupid. had a girl that lives a few doors into me, normally a nice girl, rip into me. saying, yeah buddy, your grades already aren't that good, I dont' think you can deal with another distraction. And I am left thinking ouch. But then at the same time also thinking... I wonder if she is right. I know I dropped MV calc because of fears of it destroying my GPA and hence my ability to go here... but am I doing well in my other classes? The thing is... that I don't know. And I dont' know how to check that. I dont' think I CAN check that. i know my MV prof posted them. I fled the class witha high C. But what of Physics? My grades on the last 2 Midterms are decent. A high B+ and a low B-. basically one big B. So I don't know. I guess I start studying now... but then I say no. not tonight, tomorrow. why tomorrow? Because I am afraid that if I start. I will find out that I dont' know anything. And that would suck. no no would about it, it will suck. tomorrow. tomorrow physics is my last class of the day. and maybe I can work with the proff during 'is office hours? no but he has a lab that starts at 150 doesn't he. hum but that gives me like. an hour and a half and thatis alot. So. now what? A famous question once asked and a million times answered. Not ever really answered though. I don't know what I need right now. I need a sense of purpose. at one point i was driven an what ever happened to that? what ever happened to me bended on world domination. at one point, at some point along the line things came off the tracks and i forgot where i was headed. where was i headed. don't i want to make something of my self. but what. why?

aren't there supposed to be signs or something? what ever happened to passion? what ever happened to knowledge for knowledges' sake?

why don't i care anymore?

can't i just wake me up? isn't that what they've all been saying? dont rely on anyone else to wake you up you have to help you out? i rely too much on others?

is it overrelyance or is it a new maturity? or is it something else?

a lack of maturity. I can't handle this. I am really not ready for this.

by all rights i shouldn't even be here. i am not ready for college. i don't take care well enough of myself. idon't eat well, i hardly sleep, and then when i do it is only to procrastinate. i have hollows in my eyes that one could raise a family of gophers in. or something.

so study. turn the computer off. unplug the phone and study. go to class, and when you are done with class. study. do nothing else. you should eat sleep and drink it. I wonder if i can kill myself doing that. the idea really perks my intersts and now i want to try and it will last all of like. another 30 minutes before i decide it really sucks and that i don't want to do it anymore but i need to forcemyself. nothing but study until 9. 9-10 is a break. an hour long break. 1130-1200 can be another. no food. only on a study break food. or unless ou are so hugnry you can't stand it.

no more.

everything stops.

and then it all comes down to willpower doesn't it.

because i know i am weak, i will not follow though and i will be a failure to her and to all.

my parents will be shamed.

they will want to disown me.

if all of this stopped would any of you miss me? is there any of you. or have i made everyone leave.

maybe. who would know if I was here or not

do I exsist because of me or does me exsist because of I.

what happens if i disappear?

into a hole of rotation, energy, american conflict in film and cinema, and adjective endings. what happens. who exsists then?

you dont care do you.

thought not.

i've forgotten if i care either.

it's when i hurt the most that i swear i'm okay.

-cr