Pieces have been gathered. The superglue is being applied. Now just hope for two things. The first being that I don't glue my fingers together and make things worse and the second is that I am as strong (or alternately, as weak) as I was before my quasi-breakdown. That would be right peachy. My life is not out of control. It is all an elaborate ruse by myself to trick myself or something. Never has been out of control. Things seem clear enough to me. It is hard for me to accept that I haven't damaged things though. And I dunno. I have a hard time accepting kindness? maybe? or something like that. It is funny that i am a huge advocate of say what you mean and mean what you say... but then when the words don't harm and rather help. I blow them off as false. What is my problem then? OH WOW just tweaked the funny bone and am now typing one handed, in incredible amounts of pain. Where was I. I need to believe in it. Jeeze I don't guess that is so hard. I've done it before, what makes it so hard now. I mean... Okay. I know why i guess. because I don't believe in myself right now, so it is hard to believe someone else telling me good things right now, that I haven't screwed up. Also hypersensitivity... due to me feeling life slip out of grasp, and wanting something hard to hold on to... and then knowing that so often in my life i have been denied that something to hold on to when things have started to spin out of control. Almost as though I expect it too to give way... and want to do everything in my power to change that... the slightest miscommunique' or accidental double meaning is just another chance for me to have everything blow up? But it isn't... I need to buckle down here and get in touch with reality. I want so badly to have something to hold on to. Her to hold on to... I don't want to ever lose that SO horrible to say but i really need that. i... i really do. And it has been a pretty stressful week for both of us. And that is hard, because no words can patch up these wounds... now is the time when you really do need a hug and be able to say that it is all okay, and that things will turn out okay in the end. and that it will all... just be okay. the tears finally came and they were abundant. I am so glad. i can't have that inside me anymore. i am used to being able to let them out. let them out to her, let everything out to her, keep everything cleaned out, where nothing could fester. And now things can fester due to inconvienent roomies and just bad timing on the whole. The point is that I need her so much right now. And... she is there for me. But is she? Oh of COURSE you idiot! that's that bullshit right there. That's that bullshit that I'm talking about. You question things... that DON'T NEED Questioning! Things that don't warrent questioning. as though you're trying to fool yoursef into thinking things that you know not to be true. if you can just dig yourself out of all the layers of bullshit that you manage to pile on top of the facts you'd KNOW that jackass!!!!
Sheesh i'm an idiot!
So that shit stops. Like... Now. I need to have the severe reality check. Assess what is real. What is imaginary. I already know that. Real. Imaginary. Stop living a life of lies. Not that difficult. The problem is within me. not without. That's the key. I have to understand what my brain is trying to do to itself. Key. insight is key. Remembering talk with my sister. Brutal honesty is healthy... Especially with self. I am feeling alot better now. She has forgiven me. I her. And that is good. that is healthy. It isn't about perfection, it is about imperfection. And her being able to see something through the mistakes, that is something that I so thankful for. Her support. weather my brain will accept and comprehend and process her belief in me, her love for me, or not, it is still there. So thankful. I love you with all my heart.

""In silence, I scream, but no one listens to me.. Absolution, salvation, my sins won't leave me be.. The first cry, the last breath, we are born to die.. This madness, never-ending; don't know the reason why."
-Stratovarius, Soul of a Vagabond

-CR