Pictues do really weird things to my emotions.

-CR

I feel pretty shitty

I'm not exactly sure why. But I definately feel it.

I've gotten to be a pretty big slacker lately. Too lazy to even really keep up on friendships now. It's been a long time since I've written here. I can feel my hands are our of practice. I feel as though there is nothing left to say. Talk about my life? Some hidden pain? Some terrible emotional scarring? Oh come on. Wake up. That shit is all hollywood. No one actually feels like that. Emotions are a choice. You make a concious effort to feel any direction that you choose. But dispite that, I still feel empty.

Empty, I had a dream about that a few weeks ago. A boy that I was born next to... he and I saw one another for the first time in ... a long time. Anyway the long and short of it is that he took one look at me, and told me, "You look empty" and then a face that stalks me in my sleep was once again present, had returned. That's about where I woke up. And that's also the last time that I can remember being happy. At that moment, when I was sure that everthing had worked itself out, and was no longer alone, I was happy.

But who am I kidding, me? not alone? I'm sorry, you must have the wrong room. Try the next door down the hall on your right. This lighthouse image stuff is getting old. i'm tired of being consistant, i'm tired of talking to people, i'm tired of being friendly. i'm tired of holding doors and i'm tired of being there. more anger, more hate and more selfishness.

i want to hold all that is good and pure in this world in the palm of my hand, and i wish to crush it. i wish to trample the righeous underfoot. i will watch with glee as their sprit slowly sags, then finally crumbles. nothing left to catch them as they plummet down...

enough smiles. enough jokes. enough kindness.

-CR