Well. today and yesterday... Wow. I never expected it to happen.... never thought anything would come of it... but now something has, and it is a tremendous feeling. Beyond words... I feel like I have to guard myself now, which is a shame... I would love to be able to write down the rush of emotions... it's just like... wow. I never thought that I could be so lucky... makes me very happy. Very. Very. Scared to discuss it here. Feel that it must be kept somewhat covert... because. Just because. I don't want to appear as though I have acted simply so I could talk about it to everyone else. I'm still in shock that someone so incredible thinks me worthwhile... I mean... this is me we're talking about... this kind of thing is supposed to happen to everyone but me... yet here it is... happening. Wow. I feel good for the first time in a long time.

"The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese."

-CR

Spake with someone for whom I've got no name. He had things to say. Human nature is a funny thing. End result is that he's got me writing again, been about a year... I've forgotten what made me stop... something did, but I don't know what. Anyway. he was supposed to help me revise damnit and he hauled off and left. Frustrifying. Has promise this bit. I like a few lines of it.

"It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who died. Rather we should thank God that such men lived."

-CR

She has died.

Grandmother is getting worse, she had a blood infection, now they have her on a constant oxygen feed. I do not believe she will be with us much longer. And that is truely a shame. Overwhelming to think of all the experiences she has seen in her life... all of those memories die with her. How many things... heck even the times she lived though... a child in the depression, married a man after World War II... lived through the rise and fall of the Soviet Union... just wow. So many things that she has borne witness to, truly makes me wonder if I have yet begun to live. Much sadness. Going out to dinner with neighbors tonight, afflicted with cancer and may not be longer in this world... kind of a downer. Though I suppose all of it will sort itself out in time. Though maybe not the way I would like. Played tennis for the first time in a long time today... more like I just hit some balls over the net, there was no one else there, besides maybe a baseball game going on down on the field. I still don't know that i could go back. It just doesn't feel the same. I walk onto the court, and all of a sudden I feel, different... but not a good different, heavier. Slower. Not yet I don't think... I'm not ready just yet. Funny that I should feel insignificant now of all times. Though I guess that is entirely logical... i am only one. I am going to go eat ice cream,... oh and in other news, go my team, I have gained weight. About fricking time, usually I only end up losing it when i try to gain it. Don't know how much is due to extra fat and how much is due to increased muscle mass though. wait... isn't extra fat redundant? Extra... fat... isn't it? cause isn't the nature of fat that it is just extra? i"m confused.

"If you're going through hell, keep going."

-CR

I find it mildly amusing that blogger always greets me as such: "Welcome back Death!" Humor. Reminds me... need to find that old TV show, mork and mindy...

-CR

the End at the Beginning.

This is ponderous man. Really ponderous.

I had this dream the other night
I went to work, but nobody remembered who I was, so
I decided to take the day off

On my way out, I ran into my boss
He said, Hey, you look familiar.
I said Thanks, people say that alot in these dreams

And then the horns kicked in
And my shoes started to squeak

Then all of the sudden, I find myself on some faraway tropical beach
And there's this sign there that says
Aren't you supposed to be at work?
Sort of screamed out at me
Then I remembered. I'd been here before in other dreams.
Usually there was a water polo game
And a girl who could talk with her eyes.
And she'd say, "Can you see what I'm saying?"

And then the horns kicked in
And my shoes started to squeak

Then I find myself walking near this lake
And the phone rings
And the operator speaks to me in a language I don't understand

Ooom poppa chikamaga wana sing gow
Do lomma sinnigama mana ching jow
Inimana choogamaga wana sing gee
Finimana foonimana one is now free

Then the horns kicked in
And my shoes started to squeak

Now we're coming up on this really wierd part of my dream
You know, the part where I know how to tapdance
But I can only do it while wearing golf shoes
Then I'm walking again with the girl who can talk with her eyes
This time she says, "I think you see what I'm saying"
Then just before I woke up, it started to rain in southern california

Ooom poppa chikamaga wana sing gow
Do lomma sinnigama mana ching jow
Inimana choogamaga wana sing gee
Finimana foonimana one is now free

Aren't you supposed to be at work?
The girl who could talk with her eyes.
"Can you see what I'm saying?"
This is ponderous man, really ponderous.

Thank you. Well I did something with friends. Go my team. Apparently the girl who sounds like the ocean objects to her name. Tough luck. Deal with it. Could be worse. I could say you smell like the ocean... and the girl from the bay soundled like something out of an old 50's horror flick... 50 foot giant radioactive life forms or something. yeah. Good music. Funny that I almost do this as much for others as myself. Meh. Maybe I'll start another one.... though I think I stay fairly honest in this one... barring some misdirection to throw off the fools, swear they wish to destroy me, must thwart them at every turn. Something about them makes them wish to take my personal life and smear it all about... as if I'm not leaving myself open enough to getting stepped on enough with this blasted thing. With knowledge needs to come responsibility. Make people sign some kind of legalese document or something. Either that or just wave a dead chicken over blogger.com and keep all the baddies out. Yeah. Havening second thoughts about Prom... thinking, ah nevermind what I'm thinking. Not important. Feeling less and less significant...

Wait so where's the end again?

-CR

Hum. For the benefit of all I should really strike the Bethis project from the blog (no no, not hit anyone... but just stop talking about it)... it isn't a very sound idea on the whole is it... No. not really. Or at least do something so that it isn't so obvious to the person if they read it... which I gather they do... readership has some quite disturbing prospects... Nothing I regret here I don't think... it's just me. . . oh and in other news. I do believe I have somehow managed to solve that whole self hiding from my other self while simultaniously looking for itself thing. Makes me glad i've got that out of the way... at the very least, it is a kind of weight off of the shoulders. Rather tired. Had a power nap when I got home, too bad that now I don't know what to do with my newfound myself. Really want to do something with some friends... but everyone is prolly busy. Bummer. Guess I just kinda sit here... and ponder... ponder things. and now I wonder is a chapter left unwritten better than one unfinished? I don't know, and that is the problem I face. This and many other things... while speaking of life as a book... might as well note that only 30 days remain to write all we can in High School. Spooky.

"There is a fine line between passion and rage. If one can tread this line... keeping the two separate yet still drawing on the strengths of both, nothing can stand in your path."

-CR

Intersting night... Kind of nice now... Listening to Bruce Springsteen... there are things that I must speak with the Girl that Sounds like the ocean about... things need to be clarified... Father currently lecturing cat on benefits of good oral hygene to a feline. WTF? Some days I just don't get that man. Though he has been talking to me more than the cat of late. I suspect this is due to the fact that the clever one and I have begun work on our clever engine... yes....

"Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?"

-CR

Went to bed at 9:00. Lay in bed for hour and a half. Mind still going a mile a second. Need to get it to calm down, rest somehow. But can't. Audible sigh at this point. I am scared shitless, but at the same time, kind of giddy. the Girl that Sounds like the ocean has a plan. I suppose, we wait and see now don't we... though I hate waiting. Has to be done, I cannot rush, I cannot... hell I don't know. I don't even know what I CAN do... much less should. Ah yes, the pungant smell of ineptitude... No closer.

-CR

Unexpected this is. So now what? Gnah!

"WHOA"

-CR

On Signs. Important.

I would like to take a moment to meditate on the meaning of a sign reading "Wet Paint".

"Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool."

-CR

well now what? went to tacoma with the clever one today. spent a large amount on metal goods specifically aluminum and stalin. see, cause stalin is russian for steel... arn't i clever? how's what going? oh... pretty well. ok. we spake of many things there and back. including that the Girl who Sounds like the ocean has been added to the fold. totally silent. if you are traced as the leak. i will end you. foolish words considering the task that you were kinda assigned. though i know not why i am even havening to do this at all. one would assume that i could grow a backbone and just go for it... and not be all subtle and crap. but ugh oh well. once again this feels like a jarvis redux. looks like the parental misdirection has paid off. fools. but now of course they want to know who i'm going to ask... out of despiration i have made up a girl. she doesn't exsist. rather funny. at least i find it funny. and if you don't then you need to sleep less and then read this... because your brain is obviously hitting on more cylanders than mine. oh let's see what was her name... some rediculious thing like lizzy mitchken or something... yikes, i should try to remember what it was... lest they spot inconsistancys and put 2 and 2 together. and end up with 5. new math you know. running from the cops game was great fun.... up until the real cops showed up. that was truely a downer for all involved. amusing none the less however. i feel, that it should be done again, though with maybe fewer girls... they were largely useless. more than maybe. eliminate the females. no matter. a good time was had by all. blah blah blah. my self still seems to be hiding from myself, which is troubling. Still don't know who i am, but whatever (should show you how angry i am. i have a thing about that word... implies indifference, when in reality no one is indifferent, so they could be less subtle and just say "take a flying leap". yes. never use that word in my presence. ever.), after awhile you quit missing yourself. and if you have forgotten what you used to be, did that other you ever exsist at all? people tell me it did, but i wonder. talked with a friend with reguard to the possibility that i may have been damaged by previous projects. somewhat likely, as that is about the time that change was noticed. angry that i am weak enough to let a mere human injure me to that extent. cat has cold feet. again. and would like to type on the keyboard. hum.

"Spirit. It is the hero's strength, the mother's resilience, and the poor man's armor. It cannot be broken, and it cannot be taken away. This I must believe."

-CR

Read closely my dear
Find you might, just something to fear.
-"Message to a Generation Lost"

just killed a spider 'twixt my fingers. the Body went pop rather loudly as the Exoskeleton shattered. jjust finished watching the dIsney channel... aN old episode of boy meets world. Good times. It revolved around corey and topanga's impending marriage. Somewhat humorful yet also made me sad. because oh look. two people, fictional yes, but iggnore that for the momennt, and they are soo happy, and they are going to get marrried and be in love and all that. and oh sad 'cause the fates hate me... and it is looking like I will neever have anything like that. the boy who cannot be loved certainly cannot get marriedd and live happily ever after. (Don't misunderstand, even now I can see the fools starting new rumors, I am simply looking down the road, I don't suppose that is something you have ever done is it fool?) mathiimatics makes the future even more bleaker. Last of my family tree. If I am to die, as all of uss are, tthheen it will be alone. Ratherr sad to think of oneeself drawing their last breath. aalone. No family holding your hand, no family visiting... nobody. Not even funeral. I'll be the last one, they will all have alrreeaady died. Ssomewhat disturbing to visualize ones own demise. Actually have been thinking on that for some time. I don't know that I would like to live oold enough to die slowly on a bed, my body rotting out from underneath me, until my soul finally escapes. Off to be judged for my crimes and misgivings. Rather go some other way. Maybe get creamed by a drunk driver or something, because then people could wonder, "what if" as opposed to looking back at the end of my life, on the great nothings I will accomplish in the future and saying, "What a worthless sot. Now burn." No pressure that way. Speaking of pressure, in this case the required amount for effective combustion,... i am hoping that my clever aquaintence has made his trip to olympia supply inn search of bearings and a suitable piece of pipe. Add a question mark and you have it. Other annoyances include little girls who make all the racket in the world simply for their own enjoyment, while there are plenty of other people who are trying to soak up knowledge in the vain hope that they too might one day become smart. It isn't fair to aid the shattering of their dreams and hopes. IB and girls to a wonderful job of that on their own. Just be considerate. nevertheless i do wish you well.

"People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel"

-CR

Sitting. Talking. Listening. Cookies and milk, a friend, and music to die by. Conundrumic don't you think? Well I think it is. So fuck you if you don't feel the same way eh?

"What if, I were to tell you that I hated you? That I had always hated you and only barely masked my contempt for you for all this time? What would you all do then?"

-CR

Have discovered new annoyance. Coffee clerks who hold out their vowel sounds for a good four times the required amount of time. "Helloooooooo" "Thank yoooooouuuuuuu" and then the pitch would go up progressively higher the longer it was held. Facinating yet throughly annoying. I wonder how and WHERE humans learn such foolish behavior. Audible Growl.

"I didn't say it was your fault;
I said I was going to blame you."

-CR

Gravity Works. Though if only temporary. Which it will be. Took another trip down nostalgia lane. Found some old pictures. Makes me think "wow" No really. I actually think "wow". Complete with quotation marks to aid the stupid. Just got back from sporting event. It was quite sporty. Car refused to start upon return to rendezous point. Frusterating. Much coaxing and sweet talking was required to get it started. A little bit of accelerator petal always helps too. Car went "chug chug chug chug *CATCH* grrr... hiss... VARO............ VARRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM! *squak squeek squaeeek*" Excellent. Did a bit of experimenting on my trip home... discovered Milo goes 80 Miles per hour. In second gear, after which it shifts to third. Ladies and Gentleman, Milo. He rocks. Even when being ill-tempered and all bunchy.

and now for something completely different:
"Rowing Fastly, Brad Aknowledged Calling Katherine who Carried Handouts About New Nations Excavating Lime, Besides Ephiopia Texas and Hungary she Is Still Four MEters shorter than brad"
(don't worry, I still have about 600 quotes left.)

-CR

[insert self-pitying depreciating comment here summary follows: i am destined to be alone and no one will ever love me. blah dah blah dah blah... She is more beautiful than ever blah dah blah dah blah... oh poor me... blah ... i think i'll go hurl myself over a high cliff with sharp pointy things at the bottom.]

yup. that should about cover it. same feelings as always, though i think i am numb to it now... not worth repeating myself now is it. i'm worthless. i quit.

"A person cannot do right in one department whilst attempting to do wrong in another department. Life is one indivisible whole."
-Mahatma Gandhi

-CR

On Inventions. Needed. (How much fucking longer can I keep this up?)

I've decided to call a do-over on today. Now if I can just find that damn button.... it's gotta be around here somewhere. Maybe not. Damn. I'm going to invent one. Push the button and just start the day over, from midnight. Mark my words. I'll get it included in Life v2.0 complete with lawnmowers and... awww who the hell am I kidding. Had a massive dose of nostalgia today as I was driving by the fields where I used to play little league baseball. Good times those. Audible sigh at this point. I have bested the Mel-th-ra's, the patron demon of Calculus in mortal combat with my Uni-Ball VISION pen. Availible in a fine office supply store near you. Feeling horrible. Cry. I don't want to sleep. Sleep brings dreams now. it didn't use to. being stabbed in the chest by the Fallen. she twists the knife to manufacture more pain and then cackles with a sadistic glee as more blood and tears flow. There is always a sliver of hope though. that maybe this whole thing has been some kind of elaborate misunderstanding. It is only a matter of time until even that is extenguished i am sure. it is needed even. look at the jarvis project only after all hope has been obliterated can i move on. is this true for everyone i wonder. I am not everyone. So i guess i will never know then will i. No. Never.

"To the world you may be one person... but to one person you may be the world"

Alternately. To yet another person you may not exsit at all. (Fuck.)

-CR

On Pain. Phantasmal (What the fuck do I do now?)

Wow so I have now improved my record to a solid 100% failure rate. Do I get some kind of door prize? What sucks though, is that I was foolish enough to think I could maybe have a chance. Just maybe someone that incredible would think me worthwhile. But apparently not. See previous comments with reguards to pond scum. So now what. I have no fucking clue. Not feeling anything. Just kinda feeling empty and maybe a tad self-pity -ish. Got that feeling... where it's just kinda like ice in your stomach, and you're stomach hurts and all. No throwing up. Yet. That usually takes a day or so when it really hits me. Never. That's the word. Never. An exceedingly powerful word that. Words cannot be used to fully express that power. Go to the ends of the Earth, and Never has the same meaning. I seem to be encountering that word an aweful lot. Makes one wonder if anything will ever work out. And at the same time makes me extrodinarily angry with those such as Fallen. Things always work out for her. Never any barriers. I dont' suppose I should be too terribly angry however. Maybe fall back on the laws of statistics. Assuming a 50/50 chance of things breaking your way or not... then statistically speaking she should have one hell of a losing streak. One can hope. Wishing pain and suffering on others doesn't help things much. At the very least it keeps me distracted though. The longer I stay distracted the better I guess. I don't want to think about it. Don't want to deal with it, I just want the whole thing to go away. I feel like shit left out for 4 weeks in the sun and then run over by a lawnmower. See above comments about empty feeling. I don't know that it can even be described. It is like dying from the inside... as though the will is gone and it is only a matter of time before the shell follows. I know it cannot kill me, I know i'll live. or if I don't this won't be what kills me. i know this. but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

"Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient."
-Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

-CR

On Laws of Gravitation. Universal. (What the fuck?)

Sooooooo Yeah. Due to the torpedeoment said project and being forcibly torn from orbit. I am back in a floaty stage... like only so much crap floating in The Sound... But I'm a big proponent of the laws of gravity. Especially with reguard to their universeality -itude. So I guess I have to see. Also under significant pressure from parents to think about Prom. Icky. I don't really want to go. They have a hard time dealing with that. They seem to have a hard time with everything. Maybe I should tell them that I AM going... and then NOT. Hum ooooh oooh MISDIRECTION for fun and profit. Only works on the foolish and those who know no better. Problematic considering that my parents have done this kid thing before. However un-problematic in that they've never had a boy before... maybe misdirection can work after all. Find out in about a week's time. Crossing fingers.

"It was hard to love a woman that always made you feel so wishful"
-Their Eyes Were Watching God

-CR

On People. Foolish. (Fuckers!)

Football game at 4:00. Should go. Have told others that I will be there. Hum. We were approached to see if Rowan and I could put together a group to play the game. No. Just being there is enough I'm not in anymood to go prancing about a field waving my instrument about. Not without at least 150 other people anyway. So yeah. I really should make appearence at Bethis sporting events. Really should. But won't. Cause if I did, I would be forced to absorb the Fallen as well. Likely the Defiler would also be present. Being forced to reveal more information reguarding Bethis as now people have started rumors. Fools. See above. I have known for awhile that there were guesses. Guessing is fine, but fucking over a friendship of mine just because you are "sure" of something that you aren't sure of... that isn't fine. Now I jeaporize the whole thing even more because I have to un-scare people. Fools. See above. (again) You know who you are.

"Let the doors be shut on you that you may play the fool nowhere but in your own house. Farewell."

-CR

On stupidity. Great. (you dumb fuck!)

Wow. So. Note to self. Never. Ever. Try to do backchannel -age yourself. Ever. As I have now produced a leak. Crap. Rapidly pushing self-destruct buttons at this point.

Crapola

-CR

On Oppertunitys. Missed. (Fuck!)

Once again. Being ignored sucks, and I hate it. Now this is ponderous. I guess I give up on Bethis. Unfortunate. Certainly certainly certainly certainly. Certainly is odd. I know that for my health I should. I should forget about it. But for the life of me I can't. It seems the harder I try to wrench myself from emotions, the harder they seize me. Frustrifying. This is like a Jarvis redux, and seeing as how wonderfully tha werked out... you'd think that I'd have learned something. Some people I swear to god. Feeling myself sink back into a kind of cold depression. Not where you are just so freaked out by everything and paniky a la' SZT. That's kinda a hot depression per se... where you're all worked up about something. Cold is different... where you aren't dealing with a specific event... but rather maybe well I dunno. Rather it is the state of being devoid of feeling... kinda. Except not. Because it's different... and I can't rightly explain why. Frusterating. And I have a headache.

Death makes angels of us all and put wings where we once had shoulders, smooth as raven's wings.

-CR

So this is odd. Due to the nature of things.... I cannot discuss things now... because if people read this blasted thing they could easily intrepret actions... and then the game is up. Thus... I'll have to Flush the system... do something clever to throw everyone off right? Hmmm. New names maybe... Maybe. Being attacked for doing nothing. So I need an etuquitte book or something... 3 people have party is it correct to only gift one if you only know them? (thinking german where gift = poison... that is humor... poison the one I know... heh heh heh) anyway. Much botherment. Cause I had a good idea. Ah well. Maybe I can do a surprise attack later, a post-birthday pre-half-birthday present or something... or something... it would be cool... and 18th birthdays are a big deal right? Emerivile: Trepidation Fallen: Pity Defiler: Pity.

"I don't compare my relationships to song lyrics for the simple fact that most true "love" songs create a vision of utopia, a sense of perfection... and in reality, true love isn't about perfection, but rather imperfection."
-Charlene Nielsen

-CR

Curious. Was not aware that I had readership. Troubling.

Milo went unconcious today. Had to be towed to the shop. Whereupon they found the problem lickity-split and then offered to drive me to school tomorrow morning. Quality. I like our mechanics. They frigging rule.

Didn't have to deal with the Defiler nor the Fallen today. Those two make me sick. Seriously. The Defiler makes me so angry, no maybe not angry... just makes me cringe. For doing exactly that... Defiling what some of us once held dear. However in the case of the Fallen it has been somewhat humorus to watch her sink into her current state. Funny how quickly things changed in her. It has many a person puzzled I'm sure. Or maybe not. To be quite honest I don't give a flayed fish. Besides maybe a morale boost to know that I am not like her, nor him.

"I went out and sowed corn in my enemy's field, that God might exist."

-CR