So, this is home. Something like it anyway. Followed around by the vague feeling that I don't belong here. Not anymore. Still no word from Whitacre, waiting on that. Expectantly? Yeah sure. i'll take it. Huh... so insert diatribe against exgirlfriends here. Good. Glad I got that out of the way.

Feeling pretty sick for some reason... been about a week, since... what again? I think I might have ADD. Can't focus anymore. Or when I do, feels like someone hits me on the head, and I lose it again.

I was going to say something important.

I've landed a job. Local radio station of the AM persuasion. It will be good experience. And best of all it wasn't because I knew someone... oh... that's right i promised to be nice. This is really hard. I need to get back to where I was. Where I was nice to everyone. I didn't say mean things.

"What you do for the least of my brothers you do for me." Why is it then when I see the young girl with the nose piercing, asking for some change outside of the video store that I lie, and tell her that I have nothing for her? Wasn't I supposed to be the one with the loose halo... the one unafraid to gaze upon the bungled and the botched. What happened? That was my first trip. Second will be different. But first comes the wasteland.

I'm sorry.

Recovery, from a few posts back is getting published. I guess I've got a simian for nephew (get it? that makes me a monkey's uncle. I'm so funny. Witty too. And modest.)

Homee and I were up till 5 in the morning WoWin' it up like felons. Who apparently play a fucktonne of WoW. Interested/Disinterested, yet bored parties can go here: www.worldofwarcraft.com

I can't wait to see her again. Homee and I are also thinkin' doubledate-itude. Would be alot of fun. I want to take her to the ocean. Call it overloading if you want. But it wouldn't be. I want to sit on the sand with her. Watch the sun drown itself in a body of water so vast it swells your heart. You feel small. You're looking as something so magnificant, so far beyond you... and then it's dark.

Cannot be forgotten. That's the biggest thing. We talked, and that's all I want. Please don't forget me.

I wrote about personbuilding. But it just wasn't right. Something about what I'll mix to make you perfect... but there's an identity that you have all of your own, which you share with no one else. I think I'm seeing that now. All of you now. An unspecific aknowledgement of your worth. Take it for what it's worth. Like a hug it doesn't come but once a year. So take it and run.

If you like.

Some thoughts about bridges, especially burned ones. No, don't think that you're really that anonomous. Curse my poor spelling. Your voice is loud and clear. You and I might have much to talk about. Might. We might. This is me putting myself first. Didn't I just say a few sentences ago that I need to stop that?

Maybe there is nothing to talk about after all. I needed it. I needed it for my mental health and well being. Call me weak, you'd prolly be right. But sometimes you have to live for yourself.

Sun's up. I've been here for quite some time now. I'll get a phonecall today.

It will tell me something good.

For now, this is me. With a car, a job, and a girl. 3 things a male needs to be happy. Car and Job are substituteable (curse 3rd grade spelling tests. curse them a hundred times) for a girl.

But still:

Something's wrong, I'm not the _______ I should be. Word missing for a reason. Because some things... they'll never be safe to tell.

I would apologize but I know you'll understand. That one will stay inside forever. Stand by me: "...Not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear." No one will understand. I do mean no one. And that's okay. I can wait. In the meantime understand that god gave you 2 ears and one mouth for a reason. Shut up and listen. Don't hear,

Listen.

-CR

ideabox

personbuilding nationbuilding ideabuilding

maybe just building in general, language and symbolism, use for a rhetoric major, time and distance as reletive quantities, distance from here to spokaneistan.

somehow i wanted to write about all these... but don't want to
because it will take too much time. Maybe this is what lazyness is like. I really doubt that i'll remember to come back and write about this shit. sorry.

-CR

i feel, i feel a lot of things, that i'm not really sure what anything means now. i feel i need a place i can go with just myself. i feel like i really need to cry. need to flush everything out. i also feel like i've been punched in the stomach. i feel bored, i feel lazy, i feel uninteresting, i feel discarded and unwanted.

fairly sure that covers all of them.

emotions are a dangerous mix of euphoria and depression.

so fucking confused. goddamnit this kind of shit isn't supposed to happen to me. i am one squared away motherfucker who does not get confused. but sure enough here it comes. no, not confusion. i know what is constant. i know she's there for me, and i know she cares but i thought that...

why is it that when she leaves i feel like such utter horseshit? why do i feel like somehow i'll never be happy again. everything seems so boring. i'm bored. for the first time in a long fucking time, i'm actually bored.

bloody pizza joint was being all bunchy and i couldn't even eat my feelings. bastards.

Gym. Yes yes... there is the answer. for the next 30 minutes anyway.

This feels so right... How is it that it has to end so soon? Damnit this isn't fair. I don't want her to leave.... but what an opportunity. This is my turn to see her happy. I'll hold up my end I know it. We'll let go when she leaves, we established that at the very beginning. For now I just make the best of what we have left. Somehow feels like she's already let go though. I can see despair in her eyes. Only a few more days they say. Just a few more. And she is coming back. Only a question of when. Music: Johnny Cash - The Man Comes Around Listening to the whole album. He knew that his end was near. Inevitable. I guess we share that feeling for now. So happy, but crushed. Because every little bit that I show, every little bit that I move closer I know I have to take back in less than a month.

Damnit. But it's okay. Just breathe and remember this small break in what would otherwise be a wholly shittacular year. Remember this sliver of happiness, cause I mean... it's all I've really got.

No closer.

-CR