Make that... five jobs.
I work to keep myself busy.
I work to keep myself from thinking.
More and more I am rehabilitating myself. there is life on this planet after all. I want to leave. it's funny that i say that, because I don't know where exactly i want to go. but i do know, that I want to go. I want to drive until the car runs out of gas, then take my bicycle out of the back seat, and then I want to ride. and Maybe i'll decide to stop. and then i'll see where I am, and take it from there. I suddenly have this desire for adventure. this desire to live on the edge, and take unnecessiary risks in the name of... in the name of what again? wonderful sunset tonight. i don't need someone to tell me that. I can see it for myself. This is the way things are supposed to be. me. solo. it was foolish of me really. this is me we're talking about. i just need to get it together, that's all. been doing far too much thinking this weekend I think. i know what I have to do. if only i could get it together.

-CR

blah blah blah. lets see. whadda i got. Ur. I hung with some folks. Fun i guess. Man... once upon a time I had interesting stuff to say. kinda weird to hang with old folks from capital. telling me more and more that i don't live here. this is not my home. i do not belong here anymore. still kinda feeling like a pendulum. hard to make some things go away. make the personal notes. modify yourself accordingly, and then forget that the other you ever exsisted. it's the only way to fly. constantly remake myself. we all make that choice from day to day, who we are. so tonight i cleaned out my closet. I really considered a fire. Some sort of sacrificial flame with which to burn my past away. But you can't change everything at once, so in a grand, me style cop-out, I put them in a box. and the box went away. I just couldn't burn it. all that work and time and effort and feeling. you can't just kill it. I cannot remember what i've written and what i have not, but I've pretty well decided that once opened, a door will not by me closed be. It just doesn't really work. I guess I just never noticed it before. It's always there. and it never goes away. it just ceases to matter. none of us really matter anyway. I mean, we think we matter, and prolly puff up with rightious indignation when we are informed of our catgorically insignificant exsistance. But i mean... it's true isn't it. Would anything have really turned out any different had you or I not been around to see it go down?

Oh hello. Maybe that's this whole companionship bussiness. without the companion, you are without worth. No one knows you from adam, and they certainly aren't interested in the puny life that you certainly lead. So you hook up with someone and take an interest. Provided of course that they take an equal interest. you both systematically delude the other into thinking they have value.

It's like a mutually feeding parasitic relationship... that neither host is aware of... clever.

Everyone is happy.

So does this mean i get some kind of prize? No? Medal? No? What about a ribbon, can I get a ribbon? Pretty please?


-CR

Lance Armstrong is my boy.

See Lance. See Lance ride. Ride Lance. Ride.

i can't wait to go back to school. It is so weird to not have anything to do. Dunno if I was supposed to work today or not. Boss told me he'd call. he hasn't called, so I assume that I'm not working today. and I guess i'm okay with that. the thing that i keep hitting is work. and the fact that alot of other people work too. so generally, we can't get together and waste some time in the name of not being bored. I had forgotten that summers used to be this boring. Tonight might be fun, I dunno. Hum. Been thinking about something to do. Something that i can thow myself into, and I can't come up with anything, one day it is a run, the next a bicycle. Since when did i become such a social person? It's just something you get used to I guess. I was used to staying with folks until 2 or 3 in the morning, goofing around. I guess it's just an adjustment. Looking around in salem, wondering about places that I might find an apartment for next year. Olympia is a nice place. But I think my time here is over. Never coming back. My options are to stay in salem and learn how to live alone, or come back to olympia, hear about everyone ELSE learning how to live alone, and be left feeling insufficient. maybe after a year i will be ready. what the hell. I'm ready now. I know how to wash my own clothes. I know how to pay a freaking bill. I know how to cook dinner. The only thing i'm not so good at is meal planning... like, how to shop at a grocery store only once in a week. as opposed to daily trips to get random crap. Only way to learn is by doing though I suppose. I need something else though. Something else... no... I don't... think so. I think I'm done, I think that this is where Me v1.4 fades back to Me v1.0. I have to make myself not want it anymore. 19 years down 11 to go 17 of which were companion free. it's the exception not the rule, stop thinking about it. You've never in your life done anything to deserve or merit it, so stop wishing. give up. it was just a brief dream. let it go. but never close the door.

-CR

what the world needs now

lance armstrong is my boy.

i know why i am up late. but i don't know why.

I know that I'll have to feed the animals in a few hours... why am i still here... i know if i go i won't sleep, i know if i go, i'll wonder and wander on... why does everything have to be so much harder now? i have planted the seeds of hate. all i have to do now, is water them and nurture them to flowering. every drop i wonder if this is something i will regret for the rest of my life.

i guess we'll just see. that's what this is destined to be isn't it? an accounting of my misadventures.

homework for tonight is: are mistakes actually mistakes?

kinda weird for it to just disappear like that. ughy. I thought I was doing so well, i was doing alright, and then last night hit me like a ton of bricks. dreams too... i'm not supposed to have this kind of thing. and so i get curious, i go back, and it's gone. kinda hurtful to see that chronicle disappear. it's like the final nail right? a clear signal that all is done and over. it's the second hurt when everything is sealed and a replacement has been found. maybe a seed for hate, but i don't want it to be. i don't know what i'm doing. just bumbling around like an idiot... trying to figure myself out.