This actually got be out of bed. I was sitting there… and I wondered. Why is it that some people seem to have all the luck? Get accepted to the right colleges, have incredible talent in the sports arena, going to state on a musical instrument, and a relationship with an absolutely incredible person. And I’m thinking wow. Sometimes things just work out… and can’t help feeling jealous… that I would swap that life for my own any day. And then I wonder again… and I hope… I hope that life will not we wasted. You can see that things will work out for them. So long as they do not do anything foolish. So you must hope that they do not indeed do something foolish, as that would be a shame considering all the things they were gifted with. At the same time… I know that situation is highly uncommon. But why? Damn it why can’t things work out for everyone? Because they can’t. Therefore all I can say to the people with everything on their side: You had damn well love your life. Because you can bet there are at least 10 people would gladly live it for you. You are gifted with so many things, be worth it.

"Get busy living, or get busy dying."
-The Shawshank Redemption

-CR

Severe cold-shoulder and massively bad Karma radiating from Bethis. I should just forget about it. See previous comments about existentialism.

"In silence, I scream, but no one listens to me.. Absolution, salvation, my sins won't leave me be.. The first cry, the last breath, we are born to die.. This madness, never-ending; don't know the reason why."
-Stratovarius, Soul of a Vagabond

-CR

More evidence of my utter insufficiency. Got a letter from Whitman College rejecting me. I am pond scum.

"By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends."

-CR

Being struck by my irrelevance, and my utter insufficiency. I have been told that all people have some kind of redeeming feature, something that makes them totally different, something that they are a natural at... some kind of talent. Supposedly. Everyone it seems would have one. Barring me. Where others have only found shining success... I have found spectacular failure in everything I've attempted. Then come the do - gooders who will try and make you feel good. But they just seem to me like a giant conspiracy that is trying to make me feel better just so I won't see the truth. Just humoring me along. People tell me, "oh but you are so smart" yeah well so are a lot of people... if that is all I am, then I had better be pretty damn smart. But I'm not. I suck at Math. I get C's in History. I haven't passed a German test in recent memory. I cannot play my Trumpet well enough, living in the shadow of a prodigy. English is perpetually an accident looking for a place to happen. I feel worthless because of this. I feel that no one cares, and those that claim to only do exactly that, claim to. They are humoring me, because they are kind enough to try to build me up on lies because they don't wish to see me down, or more likely would rather not have to deal with my whining all the time. There is no solution.
Incorrect. There is one. Just not in sight. So it may as well not exist at all. I know what can bring me out of this. I know exactly what. I have to feel that I am worth something from someone that I know cannot be lying. Because it would be too important to lie about. Then I would know for sure, because if one person truly believes, then it is indeed possible that the rest can as well. But it is far out of reach. Farther than you or I can imagine. For how does one measure distance when there is no point to measure from?

"You could cut my throat and with my last dying breath I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt."

-CR

Feeling ignored. That's about it. Really havening doubts about Bethis... Feeling avoided. Once again I ponder giving up or something, but I think I'm a bit far in now. Ughy. Well we'll see I guess. Bad day. Kinda disillusioned with everything right now. Audible sigh. No closer.



-CR

Ever get fed up with stupid people? Audible Growl at this point. Much frusteration. Yarr. Feel like clubbing baby seals or something of the like. Being sick and havening a stuffy nose doesn't help matters anyway. Speaking of which. WHAT KIND OF IMMUNE RESPONSE IS THAT?! Oh ooh oooh! I'm sick! Time to clog the nose! Seriously, it isn't like that's helping me get better-er more faster-er. Much anger. Must find outlet...

The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be capital punishment for it or anything, but why don't we just take the safety labels off everything and let the problem solve itself?

-CR

Had a deep thought today. I should have written it down cuz I've forgotten it now. Ah well. Friend of mine was wearing her letterman (woman?) jacket today. I noticed all the state stars and such. And then how many things you must be good at in order for her to have gotten all those things... and then I'm realizing... in wake of the solo and ensamble contest. I worked on that piece for half a year or more... and still can't even come close to state. Tennis the same story, except spead over oh I don't know... 7 years. Everyone is good at something... except me. Feeling very sub-standard. It's not the jacket I'm mourning, it's my total dearth of talent. No that isn't quite right. I have just enough talent so that the Furies can mock me when I expend effort. Frusteration. Going extestentialist on the whole girl thing. What is the purpose of taking any action if you know how it will end? I know that the beginnings of college would mean the end of any relationship... yet if we are to use that logic and apply it to the entire lifespan. There is no sense in falling in love at all. Because the end result is assured. Life ends. And so does the relationship, so why bother. And PRESTO! Instant extestentialist. Also makes coffee and fries. Oddities: When two of your good friends are going out. Does anyone ever really think about how that screws everyone else up? Because whenever you see 'em you are afraid you are intruding when you walk up to them and begin to speak. Bad vibes. It's somewhat frusterating and always leaves me feeling odd. I suppose I should be all happy for them and such, but that doesn't stop me from kinda feeling like they have detached from the rest of the world. Either that or got sick of my innane rantings, which is entirely possible. And in other news. Being sick sucks... quite classroom and you've got a running nose. Yarrrr.

Once you accept that, accept that everything will always be the same... the rich have the same shitty life as the poor, weak are as destitute as the strong... then... then what?

-CR

Well. Not feeling talkitive. Solo ensemble contest tomorrow. Blah. Tolo tomorrow. Thats cool I guess... I haven't really hung out with that group for quite some time now. Twill be good I guess. I say I guess cause I don't really know what to expect. My cat has cold feet. Well. Yeah. ok. Um. Yeah. Trepidition. Drill team is at state... wanted to go and see, would be cool. 'Cept they are in... Yakima. ouch. Severe driveage. Oh well... Kinda a dis though. Esp. since I misssed regionals. Live and learn. 'cept this is the last chance i'll ever get to watch our drill squad at state... Blast.

"I do not fear an army of lions, if they are led by a lamb. I do fear an army of sheep, if they are led by a lion." -- Alexander the Great

-CR

So it begins.
If you came here seeking words of wisdom I have none.
Only a poem I ran across.

Long Road's End

What fires burn within my heart and force me to contend
With the perils that await me at this tragic journey's end?

I have walked the roads that lead to Hell, I have challenged all but Fate.
I have fought and bled and carried on just to reach this final gate.
And now the task before me looms, this dire deed undone;
I shall make my stand against the Three until the battle's won.

What fear or wound could ever still this last defiant cry,
As I stand against the shadow 'neath the endless burning Sky?

-CR

Life is temporary.
Feeling very un good. Yet I don't know why. No. That isn't right. I know damn well why. I feel insignificant. I feel like everyone is consistantly mocking me, they don't really give a crap about me, they just humor me and try not to hurt my feelings. I feel taken advantage of. Everytime that I interact with someone, they always are taking something from me... draining my very life away. I feel that I do nice things for people only to have them forgotten about minutes later. I don't understand. Is something wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? I just don't understand I'm so confused. Walking through the halls today, I just wanted to cry. I don't know why. I feel rotten. I feel as though my insides are dying. Leaving just a shell behind. An absolute, crushing, sadness. It's all for show, no body cares, and the utter superficiality of it hurts me. I still can't understand. Why should I care? If they don't care about me, why should I care about them? Why can't I just be the person I used to be and get over it? Tell the whole world to take a flying leap and get on with life right? Because I'm weak that's why. Somehow I went soft I guess. Now I need people. I didn't used to, but now I have become accustomed to them. And when they hurt you? What then? How can I possibly have any faith in all of this.... this... I don't know what. How can I have faith in humanity itself when even those I trust hurt me. I can't. Even with all of this crap that I've smeared on this webpage. I still havn't even come close to the real reason. Because I don't know it. It simply exists. Or rather. Doesn't exsist. There was a book written long ago. named The Neverending Story. Where Nothing is eating up an entire world. The Nothing. It has no shape, no color, for what colour is nothingness? And all who look upon it are drawn to it, like moths to a lightbulb. Kinda feels like that. Where something is most certainly wrong, but quite impossible to see. But there are no heros to save me as there were to save that imaginary world.

"Remember youth as you pass by,
As you are now, so once was I,
As I am now, you soon will be,
Prepare to die and follow me"

-CR

Soooo yeah.
All state.
Been there.
Done that.
Got the T-Shirt.

About that. Music was easy. People ahead of me were bad. Met some cool people, didn't get a girls' Aim-name though. Which is a shame since she was really cool. She's in town though so maybe I'll run into her some time. Meh. Princess Diary girl (wow this girl was uncool... you have NO idea... ugh... pity me. No really... pity me.) asked me for an E-mail address. Gave her a fake one. I almost felt bad. ALMOST. If it weren't for the fact that she had a really abrasive personality and was about as good looking as an Eighty Year old prostitute. Even that might be giving her too much credit. She had a dead cat on her shoulder. Yeah. I guess she called it her hair. Nonetheless I was glad to get home and see that it was not indeed MY cat.
But yeah about that other girl... she's really cool. And what are you supposed to think when she tells you not to move from the spot you are at because she want's to continue to speak... or when sitting on a bench, rapidly closes the gap 'twixt you and her? It is prolly nothing but it was nice to be treated like a human you know? Kind of like when a pretty girl asks you to dance... you know there is nothing there cause you are just friends and all that, but it makes me feel less repulsive. Nice to know that not everything that I look at (weak words, yes. But I figured that, "gaze on, or gaze at, or look on" all had some undesired conotations...) withers and dies. Anyhow prolly nothing there anyway but it is a shame that I won't get to see her again.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them

-CR

Welcome to my cryptic day.

Leaving for all state tomorrow. but only AFTER being subjected to ruthless finals. Whooooppeeeee. Spent about 3 hours writing notes for my English group grrrrr. You had darn well better appreciate those notes, if not use them at least. H20 Calc and Physics tomorrow. Let me see... hum screwed... screwed... and not screwed. Cool 2 for three ain't bad... Hum... funny that I can't even say why my day got so damn weird. Final day of the juxtiposition of the Bethis project is tomorrow. Looks like it isn't going to work out... who knows. More of this waiting game... just let the ball roll and stop where it may. Not that talkitive. Been trying to rebuild self esteem in others for the past few hours. Delicate work to say the least. I'm really tired. I'm going to go eat soup. And the quest for self-discovery continues...

"Of all types of caution, caution in love is the most fatal."

-CR

You're fucking KIDDING ME. Just wrote a blog. And got shafted by fucking blogger. I guess in this instance post really means delete. Oh much anger at this time. Fuckers.

I'm confused. I want to give it up. But, at the same time, arg. It will lead to disaster. I can feel it I really can. Still don't really know who I am. which sucks. The step that I feel that I want to take is a bit extreme... if I thought the world was cold before, I'm sure it will only get worse after. But it really is just a question of willpower then isn't it? Because eventually you fool even yourself, and then wow aren't you shafted... lest you find someone who can remember how things used to be. Do I dare? Dunno. I should though. Indecision, I know I used to be decisive. Not anymore. Avatars, they are tangeable representations of an intangeable object yes? Maybe one of those would help in my search for an identity that I don't even remember losing... I wish to do something with my hands... Maybe some wood. If I could just find my old knife now... Ugh. Calculus. Not much talkage... feeling rather empty headed side effects side effects. Wrote my own closer:

I will not wish anyone death. Justice, yes. And if justice entails death so be it. But mere mortals are not fit to be the judges of men.

-CR

Fuck that. Done with the whole "Bethis" thing. What a disaster. I'm an idiot for EVER thinking there could be something there. Pardon me while I slip into a self pitying stupor for the next few universal cycles.

"Falling in love doesn't kill people. Landing does."

-CR

Boom. So there. I don't fucking get it. I quit. Swear to god. I don't know who I am anymore. At one point, I did. I really KNEW who I was and what I stood for and all that, but now. Now I'm not so sure. Who are my friends? Who are my foes? Who do I not give a flying fuck about? I havn't the foggiest. At some point my sense of self went down the tubes. And now that I realize that it is infact gone... now what? I feel like... like new? No, not new. Stripped. As though something was stolen, and I just now am realizing that it is indeed gone. After all of my bold rhetoric about being your own person, and knowing yourself and all that stuff. It's a fucking severe case of irony that I have managed to get lost in the shuffle. The friends? I don't know about that anymore, there are few who I matter to at this point. Time to clean house I guess. Is that what it needs? Clean out the closet at least once every 2 years? More of this cookie cutter bullshit. I hate being like everyone else, and HERE I FUCKING am. Just like everyone else. "You are a unique and beautiful snowflake. Just like everyone else" I don't know what I am. Now what? Do I just wander around waiting for an identity to hit me over the head with a trout? Or am I supposed to just keep the status quo in the hope that eventually I get brainwashed into thinking that a life such as that is an OK thing for me. And now a voice in my head is repeating that I'm the same person that I've always been. But that's just it. I'm not. Somewhere along the line, my integity came second to myself. And now... myself has gone and run off. Great now what? Who am I? What am I? And how do I know? A friend told me just now that I am a good guy. But I don't know. I really really don't.

I wish you well

-CR

Being ignored sucks and I hate it.

Well damn.
This headline made me laugh: Warren Buffett lashes out against derivatives a malfunctioning brain such as mine could interpret that to mean that he hates derivative calculus... which would be funny.

"Those who beat their swords into plowshares will plow for those who do not."

-CR

SO YEAH. Catching flak about the blog. Let me clairify. My Blog. Not yours. MINE. By coming here you voluntarily climb into MY head. Once again. MY head. Not yours. So you don't need to know who any of these people are, in fact it's prolly for the greater good that no names are mentioned lest people become offended when they read what I really think of them, for example, If I were to say I wish Lilian were to burn, Lilian would be quite offended. Thus names must be changed to protect the guilty and all that. You came here cuz this is where I write stuff. Whatever I feel like writing. If it doesn't please you, then by all means shut the fuck up cuz I dont' care. There I've said it. The system is flushed. That being said I deem it is high time for some tunes and a nap before a bus ride and a basketball game.

"Godwins Law: As a Usenet discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one. There is a tradition in many groups that, once this occurs, that thread is over, and whoever mentioned the Nazis has automatically lost whatever argument was in progress."

-CR

Yeah so would someone be kind enough to tell me WHY I SHOULD CARE? That has got to be the most pathetic piece of "news" ever. Seriously. I feel like I'm sitting on a curb... and a bus just pulled away, and I was supposed to be in it... and so I'm sitting on the curb thinking, "WTF?" My life has gotten weird. Only way to put it. It has just gotten... wierd. October still running through my head. Troubling this is. But not really. Cause it is a nice tune. mmmm. Chocolate chip cookies...

"Some people play tennis, I erode the human soul"

-CR

Ah. Yeah. ABOUT that. Stupid Chamber orchestra. Never again. You know that you are suffering from a case of severe bordom-itude when you play hangman in rehersal. Except you play it alone. Yeah. That and tic tac toe. That is actually a very tactical game... tic tac toe... yes. And on other notes... isn't it bizzare how we seem to define the passage from one day into another as going to sleep? because notice last post it was only 4 hours until I had to awaken... yet I refered to it as tomorrow. Found some more music I like... Not unusual. Plesant chat w. a certain Bethis project this afternoon. Just being able to hold a conversation isn't anything to get all excited about, so I'm not too hopeful. It would take something drastic, to make me do anything about this. Though there is a severe time limit on this whole thing... rather a preceived time limit. Unless I dare to brave the phone. But NO. Bad. Evil phone.

German continues to be the bane of my exsistence. Chocolate chip cookies are good. One wing-ed angels fly in circles... etc.

"Life has always been a dance, it's only fitting that death sing the tune."

-CR

Axis and Allies. Good game. Made a whole magnitude better when the people you are playing with are cool. Bethis, yeah about that. There is really an expiration date on it now. So if I'm going to DO something. I've got to do it soon, is it worth really reaching out there for it? I don't know, I just keep seeing me messing up things. That wouldn't be cool. I don't even know where to start. It's all so foreign, and weird, and uncomfortable. More and more conflicts with the parental units. Audible growl at this point. They mean well but as I told my mother in our last encounter, "(they) drive me up the fucking wall" I honestly can't stand being around her. My dad isn't so bad cause he in himself is a lazy man. But my MOTHER. She is so cheerful sometimes that it makes me want to claw my eyes out and suck he blood from the optic nerves. It's that bad. Pandora currently occupys my lap. Cold feet... Arena tomorrow! oh joy, look at me I am so FUCKING happy! The rest of my life... well I mean I'm really pretty much in orbit around Bethis so as much fun as sitting here bitching about how things SHOULD be and aren't... (if only I could tell... if only there was signage.... but see just because there isn't signage should I give up? cuz then I won't mess anything up then...)but that's just no fun and I already did it anyway. 3:11. Bed time. I must function at 7:30 am tomorrow.

"Definition of "Just Friends": It means I don't just want you to mourn the loss; I want to remind you of it every day. I want you to suffer. I want you to envy. I want you to die slowly, a bit at a time. And I want you to smile and thank me for it."

-CR