Bombed the physics midterm. So I don't get it. How in the FUCK can I work that hard and then have that little sonuvabitch put shit on there that I've never seen before. Such fucking bullshit that I can't even think straight. Oh man. I'm FUCKED. SO PISSED OFF. Feeling so motherfucking helpless. So this is the limit of my intellect. I don't grasp concepts. I just do enough problems that I will have seen everything on the test before and therefor be able to do it. I guess that shit doesn't work in college. GOD DAMNIT. So i should just quit. Cause I am going to get my scholorship yanked. And then I'll have to go somewhere else, but then nowhere else will want to take me, cause I'll have shitty grades. and so I'll get kicked from honor roll to living in a cardboard box, or flipping burgers in the space of like 2 motherfucking months. I'm so worthless it hurts. I am good for... nothing. I don't have a single redeeming quality about me do I? I guess I'm just one big fucking failure. But I don't want to be a failure. I'm trying to not be a failure. I'm trying. But failing at that too I guess. How fucking ironic right? I just want to fucking SCREAM and never stop. Kneel infront of a train, endit cause I don't stand a chance anymore. I had my chance... and I blew it. But I wasn't trying to blow it. How can I try, and fail? no that isn't supposed to happen. what is happening. what is going on this isn't how it is supposed to be. I'm supposed to try, and I'm supposed to study and then I am supposed to do WELL... no... but that's not what is happening. That's not at all.

My candle it burns at both ends.

It will not last the night.

But ah my friends.

And oh my foes.

It sheds a lovely light.

So tired. blah. i don't care. i'm just ready to be done. i'm kinda sick of this shit. really stressing.

out.

Where is Raed ?:
"G in Baghdad wouldn't write on his blog but he just sent me a wickedly funny email, sorry G this is what happens when you have blogger friends. Here is what he wrote:

tell your friends in London that G in Baghdad would have appreciated them much more if they had demonstrated against the atrocities of saddam.
And if you could ask them when will be the next demonstration to support the people of north Korea, the democratic republic of Congo and Iran?

yup, that's him alright. G so full of surprises.
back to baghdad on monday, G you better have beer in your fridge"



I'm glad we did good. Or at least, more good than evil.

-CR

kicked out of trumpet choir. or at least that's how it appears. oh well. /me give willamette music department the finger.

i fucking hate it here.

Hair today gone tomorrow. Feeling disappointed in self. feeling urge to turn things around and take a different track. the fact of the matter is thoguh I think I may have blown it for me here. ughy. I don't know. i have another physics midterm coming up in like.. a week. I nevered really learned how to study. and when I did it involved some serious SPACE. not this cramped... whatever. ugh wanting to scream i dont' know why though. I mean things aren't fallinging apart yet. give them a week, then they'll be falling apart because then it will be time for another physics test. and time for me to want to have changed things in the past again. UGH. Okay so what is the plan of action, action-man? Nope noooo idea. feeling stupid. had a girl that lives a few doors into me, normally a nice girl, rip into me. saying, yeah buddy, your grades already aren't that good, I dont' think you can deal with another distraction. And I am left thinking ouch. But then at the same time also thinking... I wonder if she is right. I know I dropped MV calc because of fears of it destroying my GPA and hence my ability to go here... but am I doing well in my other classes? The thing is... that I don't know. And I dont' know how to check that. I dont' think I CAN check that. i know my MV prof posted them. I fled the class witha high C. But what of Physics? My grades on the last 2 Midterms are decent. A high B+ and a low B-. basically one big B. So I don't know. I guess I start studying now... but then I say no. not tonight, tomorrow. why tomorrow? Because I am afraid that if I start. I will find out that I dont' know anything. And that would suck. no no would about it, it will suck. tomorrow. tomorrow physics is my last class of the day. and maybe I can work with the proff during 'is office hours? no but he has a lab that starts at 150 doesn't he. hum but that gives me like. an hour and a half and thatis alot. So. now what? A famous question once asked and a million times answered. Not ever really answered though. I don't know what I need right now. I need a sense of purpose. at one point i was driven an what ever happened to that? what ever happened to me bended on world domination. at one point, at some point along the line things came off the tracks and i forgot where i was headed. where was i headed. don't i want to make something of my self. but what. why?

aren't there supposed to be signs or something? what ever happened to passion? what ever happened to knowledge for knowledges' sake?

why don't i care anymore?

can't i just wake me up? isn't that what they've all been saying? dont rely on anyone else to wake you up you have to help you out? i rely too much on others?

is it overrelyance or is it a new maturity? or is it something else?

a lack of maturity. I can't handle this. I am really not ready for this.

by all rights i shouldn't even be here. i am not ready for college. i don't take care well enough of myself. idon't eat well, i hardly sleep, and then when i do it is only to procrastinate. i have hollows in my eyes that one could raise a family of gophers in. or something.

so study. turn the computer off. unplug the phone and study. go to class, and when you are done with class. study. do nothing else. you should eat sleep and drink it. I wonder if i can kill myself doing that. the idea really perks my intersts and now i want to try and it will last all of like. another 30 minutes before i decide it really sucks and that i don't want to do it anymore but i need to forcemyself. nothing but study until 9. 9-10 is a break. an hour long break. 1130-1200 can be another. no food. only on a study break food. or unless ou are so hugnry you can't stand it.

no more.

everything stops.

and then it all comes down to willpower doesn't it.

because i know i am weak, i will not follow though and i will be a failure to her and to all.

my parents will be shamed.

they will want to disown me.

if all of this stopped would any of you miss me? is there any of you. or have i made everyone leave.

maybe. who would know if I was here or not

do I exsist because of me or does me exsist because of I.

what happens if i disappear?

into a hole of rotation, energy, american conflict in film and cinema, and adjective endings. what happens. who exsists then?

you dont care do you.

thought not.

i've forgotten if i care either.

it's when i hurt the most that i swear i'm okay.

-cr

this is what my forehead said when I banged it again the the keyboard:

lyjuikujhjjkkljutrtfyottrhynjfcgh

Eloquent. Lets try that again:

zxzzbm,,,..,.,,mmnnbbvvcvxxxxcnnmmk,km,..,.,,ngcvb.

hum there is an unusual pluthera of punctuation. This idea needs refining I think. One more shot I think:

hjkjm,,kmkm,,mmnbbn bvfkik,mjn bn

I think my forehead is trying to tell me something.

In light of recent events:

The Legend of the Snake

A man was walking up a mountain when he heard a voice. "Carry me with you," it requested the man turned and saw a snake.
He refused.
"If I carry you up the mountain you will bite me."
"I wouldn't do that," the snake assured. "All I need is some help. I am slow and you are fast, please be kind and carry me to the top of the mountain".
It was against his better judgment, but he agreed. He picked up the snake, put him in his shirt, and resumed the journey.
When they reached the top, he reached in his shirt to remove the snake and got bitten.
He fell to the ground, and the snake slithered away.
"You lied !" he cried, "You said you wouldn't bite me!" The snake stopped and looked back,
"I didn't lie. You knew who I was when you picked me up."

her: sounds like you have the flu
me: annd I can't really look down cause the glands under chinny area are swollen up
her: huN! SLEEP!
me: yeah that would be a good idea wouldn't it
her: yes!!
her: im so sorrY!

me: but nope... i think i still ha
her: but what?
me: have things to Do... ick
her: NOOOO
me: need to read for physics
me: and study a bit for math too
her: NNOO!
her: you really should go to bed!
her: im serious!
her: do you have a test tomorrow?
me: math quiz
her: ohh...what time?

me: 910
her: wait
her: yea
her: NOOO!
her: go to bed!
me: but my partner is depending on me

her: and you are sick!
her: go to bed!
me: I really can't let that person's grade suffer though...
me: I can sleep tomorrow
her: NOO!! but youre brain isnt going to function right
her: you need sleep!!
me: yeah... I guess you're right
her: well..this is up to you...and what you think is best!! i will let you go...so if you really do study (and i dont thnk you should) you at least are not distracted by me
her: i think you should sleep!!!! you may not feel great in the morning but the more sleep the better!



I like how she cares for me. It's amazing to have someone...other than yourself, looking out for you, you know? Because sometimes they are right about things... things you're too blind to see, or if you're too wrapped up in to realize what really would be best, they can sometimes straighten you out.

And she is always right.

I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful person in my life. I miss you #5.

-CR

Hum Hum. I need to start... being more. Physics. Hum... we're doing the physics of rotation. So that's fun. Or something. Sooo much music in me right now. I feel good I guess. And that is saying something. i've cried in the first time in what seems like ages. yeah I know I'm a wuss. whatever, the point is that it keeps things cleaned out on the inside... where they can't fester. and festerage = bad. Being alone with her for a time was nice too... that is such a rarity. Downside of being in a tripple. Sometimes the roomies really annoy and rub the wrong way. But I mean hey, when you're around someone, and sharing that much (or rather, that little) space... there will be conflict. Just in varying degrees. Not much conflict... butstill... Like computer paranoia. that's no good. that's his problem. and if he wants my help and then wants to educate me on fucking computer security then he can just go and suck a coooooooconut. Seriously. You can't be totally freaking ignorant... and then get on a high-horse about how doing something exposes his computer to attack. Look buttmunch, ANYTHING you do exposes you to attack. Anything. you just have to believe in people sometimes Kay!? If someone really wanted to work you over they WOULD okay? and there is not a damn thing you can do about it. and thatincluded trying to install crap to your server space. Why wouldn't that work? because your ""H:" drive" doesn't have your system directory on it smacktard! ooooooooH kay. So it says in BIG bold LETTERS "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS PURE AND GOOD IN THIS WORLD DO NOT INSTALL TO A SYSTEM FOLDER!"
...
So you installed it to the windows directory.
...
Why are you still alive again? Isn't that what playing in traffic and making your own fireworks or playing with a gun is for? Some days... i swear to god.

"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof was to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools." - Douglas Adams (Mostly Harmless)"

-CR

you kno what I hate? mistyping my password. that is the mostannoying thing EVER.
and
there is a boat somewhere. and i'm not on it.

fuck.

-CR

being an idiot sucks.

sorry

My life is SO exciting right now you simply have NO idea.

Yeah so i'm fulla it. Whatev. I say... that the best part of my day is when I am asleep. Because then... I can go anywhere. And and that is always a good thing... especially in times like these when there seems to be little to hold on to. Just hold onto that. Adademia may dominate my daytime... but my nights belong to another subject entirely. Dropping MV calc tomorrow... i've got the form... I've got the willpower! hooo hah.... or something like that. ungh I am so tired right now. I want to read something. A letter. But there are people aroundand so I can't. I can't let them know. It is my treasure... und sie ist mein Schätz... and oh finals just hurry up and get here. 5 weeks? 6 weeks? something like that. Only. Oh so close! And then NO MORE SCHOOL!!! Forever! No? Okay well then for a month. But that might as well be forever.

"You make your own dream. That's the Beatles' story, isn't it? That's Yoko's story. That's what I'm saying now. Produce your own dream. If you want to save Peru, go save Peru. It's quite possible to do anything, but not to put it on the leaders and the parking meters. Don't expect Jimmy Carter or Ronald Reagan or John Lennon or Yoko Ono or Bob Dylan or Jesus Christ to come and do it for you. You have to do it yourself. That's what the great masters and mistresses have been saying ever since time began. They can point the way, leave signposts and little instructions in various books that are now called holy and worshipped for the cover of the book and not for what it says, but the instructions are all there for all to see, have always been and always will be. There's nothing new under the sun. All the roads lead to Rome. And people cannot provide it for you. I can't wake you up. You can wake you up. I can't cure you. You can cure you."
-John Lennon

-CR

Pieces have been gathered. The superglue is being applied. Now just hope for two things. The first being that I don't glue my fingers together and make things worse and the second is that I am as strong (or alternately, as weak) as I was before my quasi-breakdown. That would be right peachy. My life is not out of control. It is all an elaborate ruse by myself to trick myself or something. Never has been out of control. Things seem clear enough to me. It is hard for me to accept that I haven't damaged things though. And I dunno. I have a hard time accepting kindness? maybe? or something like that. It is funny that i am a huge advocate of say what you mean and mean what you say... but then when the words don't harm and rather help. I blow them off as false. What is my problem then? OH WOW just tweaked the funny bone and am now typing one handed, in incredible amounts of pain. Where was I. I need to believe in it. Jeeze I don't guess that is so hard. I've done it before, what makes it so hard now. I mean... Okay. I know why i guess. because I don't believe in myself right now, so it is hard to believe someone else telling me good things right now, that I haven't screwed up. Also hypersensitivity... due to me feeling life slip out of grasp, and wanting something hard to hold on to... and then knowing that so often in my life i have been denied that something to hold on to when things have started to spin out of control. Almost as though I expect it too to give way... and want to do everything in my power to change that... the slightest miscommunique' or accidental double meaning is just another chance for me to have everything blow up? But it isn't... I need to buckle down here and get in touch with reality. I want so badly to have something to hold on to. Her to hold on to... I don't want to ever lose that SO horrible to say but i really need that. i... i really do. And it has been a pretty stressful week for both of us. And that is hard, because no words can patch up these wounds... now is the time when you really do need a hug and be able to say that it is all okay, and that things will turn out okay in the end. and that it will all... just be okay. the tears finally came and they were abundant. I am so glad. i can't have that inside me anymore. i am used to being able to let them out. let them out to her, let everything out to her, keep everything cleaned out, where nothing could fester. And now things can fester due to inconvienent roomies and just bad timing on the whole. The point is that I need her so much right now. And... she is there for me. But is she? Oh of COURSE you idiot! that's that bullshit right there. That's that bullshit that I'm talking about. You question things... that DON'T NEED Questioning! Things that don't warrent questioning. as though you're trying to fool yoursef into thinking things that you know not to be true. if you can just dig yourself out of all the layers of bullshit that you manage to pile on top of the facts you'd KNOW that jackass!!!!
Sheesh i'm an idiot!
So that shit stops. Like... Now. I need to have the severe reality check. Assess what is real. What is imaginary. I already know that. Real. Imaginary. Stop living a life of lies. Not that difficult. The problem is within me. not without. That's the key. I have to understand what my brain is trying to do to itself. Key. insight is key. Remembering talk with my sister. Brutal honesty is healthy... Especially with self. I am feeling alot better now. She has forgiven me. I her. And that is good. that is healthy. It isn't about perfection, it is about imperfection. And her being able to see something through the mistakes, that is something that I so thankful for. Her support. weather my brain will accept and comprehend and process her belief in me, her love for me, or not, it is still there. So thankful. I love you with all my heart.

""In silence, I scream, but no one listens to me.. Absolution, salvation, my sins won't leave me be.. The first cry, the last breath, we are born to die.. This madness, never-ending; don't know the reason why."
-Stratovarius, Soul of a Vagabond

-CR