Saturday, December 20, 2003

So it is 4:22 in the fucking morning. WHY THE HELL AM I NOT ASLEEP YET!?!?!?!?!?!? I have been laying in bed for 4.5 hours now. trying to sleep. and have failed miserably. I have a final in 3.5 hours. I am fucked. and I am raging pissed that I am losing sleep over this motherfucking test. and i want to SCREAM

Friday, December 19, 2003

My roommates make strange sucking/smacking noises in their sleep. Should I be worried?

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

It's okay. Calm, full breaths. I can deal with this. yes I can. I can deal with this. I can deal. No biggy. it's alright. I can deal with this. It's okay.
paradigm shift. you can get used to anything. this will just be one more. and it isn't here yet. just think about 5 days... and be happy now. sadness can wait.
Poor Keeper. I really... it's... those are real people and you always think it never happens to me... but it did. I send my regrets.

Sunday, December 14, 2003

2 AMannnnnd I'm not in bed why? Because I just watched Jumanji. And no, I don't know why. It just seemed like such a good idea at the time. And now it's over. and now... I can't really sleep... because i"mnot really that tired. I don't really know what I'll do. Well I can think of one thing. Sit at my desk, and stare at a wonderfully cut piece of glass that was given to me by a girl that talks with her Eyes. I miss her alot. and yeah , i know its normal but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I miss my other friends too. Clever, 24, Girl who Sounds like the ocean... call me hemmed in. but i don't care that's my comfort zone. thats where people give a shit what I think... and they are compatible with my humor... people here don'at really seem to get the way that I think... I guess things are gelling. Kinda. Fitting in more... more chillish, and chillage done. Although likely not the wisest choices... especially considering that it is finals week... well yeah... techincally yea it is isn't it. I die in.... 6 days. now that... would be an interesting Blog. The blog of a condemned man.

6 days. After 6 comes 5. Which is a very good number in all respects. and then before you know it. One. But one isn't one, but is really twenty-four. Imagine reading the final day of a dead man walking. Would he blog alot? to tell the world his plight? would it be 23. and then a few hours later 20. and then 15. Can't you just feel it? Can't you just become that man? can you feel his fear? Would he talk about his mother? would he remember the days in Early Autumn when you could taste the very air that you took in to breathe? Would he remember his first love, his heart breaking in two? Would he remember his first kiss? Would his life be full of joy? Bitterness? which is more important to you? You know what I want you to do. you, you the reader, you the individual that I let have the privelage of climbing into my head. Second only to one. I want you to walk up to the only friend you have in college. Ask them for the first memory that comes into their mind. Unless you managed to find one of those super "no the glass isn't just HALF full. it's TOTALLY full" people. the ones that smile so much you think that they don't have a central nervous system (my apologies to Lewis Black) Read: Jamie Wulfenkuhle. They'll tell you about the time they fell off their bike. Or when their girl or boy broke their heart. Or when they watched their best friend in the whole world die. 10. Life is pain, princess. 9 hours. What does that tell us about life? I don't know. not much of a philosphere. Unless it is 2 AM and you have just turned Eighteen. EZ, Clever and Owens know what i'm talking about. Would you sleep? 8 left now. That's the average work day isn't it? So by the time that Lester Burnham leaves work, a free man and sixty thousand dollars the richer, you'll be dead. But it all happenes eventually so there is no sense in getting pushed out of shape about it. Your time is just a bit before his. 7. That's how many deadly sins there are. Seven, I can't name them now. would you blame him? He's likely under a little bit of stress. Especially considering that whole death thing rapidly approaching. I find it funny that Lust is among those sins. So much of orginized religion seems to focus on shame. Seems like religion is obsessed with sex. This leaves us with a few things to consider, like did all of the pontiffs of their respective religions have Erectile Dysfunction? And therefore because they couldn't get it up, they forbade their underlings to. And that's why catholic priests are celebite. 6. Students are in school for six hours a day. Dick and Jane go to school in the morning and I would lie awake. Saying my prayers? Contemplating my punishment? Or would you just think about how you could have done it cleaner... and not get caught... hide the body better... or the weapon maybe... or a different place? At the end of the day Dick and Jane step over the threshold, back into the realworld. And he dies. 5. Five. I can drive home in five hours. I could tell my parents that I love them. Or I could fly to D.C. and lobby against the death penalty, beg Bush for a pardon. 4. The number that I count to before I allow myself to lose my temper. The number that I count when I am questioned about this. When you tell me that this is stupid. When you call my life, retarded. my LIFE. and it isn't like I'm pouring out all my heart and soul here. just most of it. and if you, any one of you bothered to ask, I would tell you. But not the, "should I be worried about you" or "I don't really give a shit" concern. If you actually care, and really want to listen, I would tell you. I really would. But you are in short supply. but just because you don't exsist doesn't mean that I don't want to talk about it. 3. The time it is in the morning as I write this, wondering. waiting. I remember that was the first time I broke curfew. I know it was worth it. And technically they did say to come back whenever I liked. they just changed the rules on me. AFTer the fact. jerks. 2. one hundred and twenty minutes. and then add on an extra for the time to die. We'll be generous and call it a minute. Now Dick and Jane have grown up. and they are going to watch a movie on the couch together. About the time that the credits roll, not that it matters because they aren't really watching the movie anyway, that life will end. 1. class. lecture. a standard unit of measure for the pain that students are subjected to. Hour. But that hour isn't an hour. it is 60 minutes. Less than the playtime of a CD. Your whole life fits on a CD. All of it. Fits on a piece of plasic and metal foil stamped in japan. 50. Every time that there is a noise. A shift, you start. you wonder, maybe there's been a change in plans.... maybe now, not later. 45 then 40. You stare into space. You are sweating now. Throwing up. You can't even eat the meal given to you. It was your favorite after all. It was a shame. Wonder if the guard will eat it. Your treat. 30. you can't stop thinking about it. you know that it is coming. /cue 'smith' It is inevitable /end 'smith'. 25. The numbers no longer carry any significance to you. Thinking stopped. now you just sit... and sweat. you're thirsty, but you also know that in the long term... it will cease to matter. 20. laying on the bed now... wondering what comes next... nothing.... which would be worse... nothing? or something? because that something.... you know would be Hell. In all senses of the word. 10. You begin to find patterns in the peeling stucco of your cell. The clock ticks. 8. now all you can do is watch the minutes of your life tick away on your watch. 8 falls to 7 and seven falls to 6. Six is a pushover, and moves to 5 even faster than seven to six. Five causes the second hand to move faster and 4 arrives in the space of a second. Now you are paniking, as you watch the second hand fly around the face of the dial, it kills time, and kills you. 3. You hit the watch, no this isn't supposed to happen, time is supposed to stop, midnight is supposed to never come. I can't die you scream inside your head, where noone can hear. The watch speeds even more. 2. and you tear at the floor and walls with your fingers, searching... somehow you have to get out and escape. Somewhere there has to be a way to make it all stop.

1. And the hand spins round the dial once more and stops. Like clockwork you hear a voice, and

It's time.

"Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich;
Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich.
Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt,
Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt."


-CR

Friday, December 12, 2003

Weary to the bone. even my soul aches with fatigue.what to write about. Mmm. Hahahaha that was a funny comic, but none of you know what im talking about.the roomies are gone. and this is a good thing. Time to unwind... time for me. TIme to not have to go to dinner... not have to open my eyes to look at a world that I don't like.that isn't quite accurate. It is just that somedays... ungh. Like i sayed. So tired.

But I've got my music. And that puts back some of the things that a day can take from me. look ing like the stress for finals is strating to kick in... and every, myself included is losing hair,,, either by accident or by forcingfully tearing it out. taking forever for me to write. I don't know what is the meatter with me today. just... nothing to talk about. I want to go home. I want to drive my car. I want to get up at 630 in the morning, and rush to eat breakfast and get dressed for school.I want to go out in the mornings and see frost on my car and on the roadways. Looking at the calendar that blogger provides in the history window. Only 8 days. and I am home. Roomate is asking for a beating. He has music really loud. Well fuck him. I'll put my headphones that SUCK on. You can have your motherfucking laptop speakers bitch. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. not any sense in getting irratated. But I mean... he always asks me to put on headphones. So why exactly didn't he bring any? Whatever. Not my problem. Though it is a pain in the ass to be wired into the computer.. because the wire is perpetually in the way. Without exception. in the way. WHOA trippy. Apparently the keys on my keyboard work... the ones that say "Volume" and "Search" "Email" "Internet" and "Mute" The only difficulty is that "Email" turns the volume down and that "search" mutes. The "volume" buttons do not function, neaither does the "internet" button or the "mute" button. Errrrr.... what the fuck? Who steals bleach? I have been working here for an hour. Working at blogging. Everything it seems like is an effort. I can't even... oh I can't think anymore. I just dont' want to. I want to climb into my bed I think... and just, close my eyes. and when i close them i will never open them again. I feel asleep while walking back from class. I closed my eyes, and I was asleep before my foot had hit the ground. whereupon it jostled me awake. and then... I was awake. and really quite confused. not that confused. but still wondering just what had happened. seemed like the sentence previous needed an adjective. I considered heck. I also considered fuck. and a derivitive of that "fucking hell" but i decided to go clean. and i think my writing is the weaker for it. i know that in theroy I'm almost there. god. i am so done. i am so done. i'm sorry all. but i just can't do this anymore. i need to sleep. i need to find my soul again.

"Or maybe I'm just blind... so hold me when I'm here. right me when I'm wrong. hold me when I'm scared. and love me when I'm gone. everything I am, and everything in me. wants to be the one you wanted me to be. I'll never let you down, even if I could. I'd give up everything if only for your good. So hold me when I'm here, right me when I'm wrong. Hold me when I'm scared. you'll always be there. so love me when I'm gone..."
-three doors down - when i'm gone


-cr

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

Love is great.

I like being in love.
Have you ever felt transparent?

Monday, December 08, 2003

reason to not join a frat #612:

I won't have to run around in a SOCK. singing christmas carols.

Fucking french.

Saturday, December 06, 2003

I am a physics GOD.

*slap!*

c'mere torque!! I'll give you another!

*smack!*
Is there?

this vacation's useless
these white pills aren't kind
i've given a lot of thought on this 13-hour drive
i missed the grinding concrete where we sat past 8 or 9
and slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights
i've given a lot of thought to the nights we use to have
the days have come and gone
our lives when by so fast
i faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor
where i laid and told you but you sweared you loved me more

do you care if i don't know what to say
will you sleep tonight, or will you think of me
will i shake this off, pretend its all okay
that there's someone out there who feels just like me
there is

those notes you wrote me
i've kept them all
i'll give a lot of thought of how to write you back this fall
with every single letter in every single word
there will be a hidden message about a boy that loves a girl

do you care if i don't know what to say
will you sleep tonight, or will you think of me
will i shake this off, pretend its all okay
that there's someone out there who feels just like me
there is

do you care if i don't know what to say
will you sleep tonight, or will you think of me
will i shake this off, pretend its all okay
that there's someone out there who feels just like me

do you care if i don't know what to say
will you sleep tonight, or will you think of me
will i shake this off, pretend its all okay
that there's someone out there who feels just like me
there is

there is
Weeks.
Two
-CR

Friday, December 05, 2003

Its 11 on a friday night do you know where your kids are?

Meh. Or something.

Here in Salem we have LOADS of things to do. Eat. Sleep. Be scared. Imagine the possibilities.

So in conclusion I am bored as hell. And there is nothing to do, because there is no one in the hall. Difficulty.

So I went for a walk. In a rainstorm.

Naked.

Okay so not naked. But I didn't wear a rain coat! partial credit.

Or something.

I guess there is alot to talk about. There really is. I have alot of questions.

But mostly they are for myself.

Confused all over again. I guess there is more than one storm in town. Or is there? That's what is so bizzare. I am the greatest danger. I alone am the greatest threat. Because I do things like this. I sit and think about shit until I've turned it into something.

Else.

It's weird. Okay? I'm sorry. It's weird. Pardon me while I GROW or something. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. What do you want from me? I can't just sit here and do NOTHING. I can't do that. I refuse to accept the fact that there isn't something wrong somewhere.

But I have to. If therewas I would know right? Right? The first of a million. Unanswered. And that they will stay. forever.

or so it seems.

But then, plato was a very wise man.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle
-Plato

Thursday, December 04, 2003

Overheard today: "this is a precisionly made german piccalo! and so is that flute! It cost 6000 dollars. MORE for the piccalo."

Alright BITCH lemme get this straight. You dropped over 12 k. No wait. rephrase you're motherfucking parents dropped that much fuckin money into your musical shit. but you STILL suck enough ass to be in the crappy band. I guess you screwd up somewhere in there kiddo. You can buy a whole fuck tonne of stuff in this world, but talent isn't one of them. god somepeople. no she didn't say anything, but the way she carried herself, the way she wears the goddamn khakis maked me hate her with every iota of my body and soul, negitive energy rod. SO much hate, because this bitch has had everything given to her on a goddamn silver platter. I hoped that she would fall flat on her face here. but you know what it wouldn't even matter becaus he parents would prolly just donate a sum of money and then all would be peachy and she would graduate in the top of her calss whith honors et cetera.so much negitive energry so little time, i feel thjat all day I have not hage my own personal space and now muyst hae to type to make it all go away and make me be somewhere else I don'ce care if you can read it or not I just dont't. There is always someone in my personal motherfucking bubble. makes me want to scream i don't like people and i hate being around them but now Ih ave to and i just can't fucking take it. the clusterfuck that is and continues to be the willamette music department never ceases to amaze me with their sheer ineptitude. I had to listen to 2 hours of banal christmas music. No. I dont' ahve any CHRISTMAS CHEER bcause I'm too busy being PISSED OFF. NOT TO MENTION THAT I HAD TO STAY TO THE VERY FUCKING END BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO RE FUCKING RUN IT. and then we don't. god. damnit. so angry. so. angry that I can't think. and I can't scream. and I can't cry no no no not allowed to do that tyou little prick. maybe just break the motherfucking keyboard by hitting the fucking keys so hard.

breathe.

breathe.

i still want to kick that girls ass though.

-cr

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

Not burned. none.she grounds me. she finds truth. how is it that she finds it so easily within, but I cannoth. faith she said, and she is right. and it is something that is only too easy to forget when you start looking for a rhyme and a reason. you can't do that you only have to accept the feeling and know, and belive. believe is the most important. Grounding is good. I need grouding. she will always brig me back to the basic truth. our basic truth.
So you thought ti would be different.

Once burned now twice. makes me so frusterated sometimes there is just so much that i can't deal wiht anyof it. So many questions now left not answered. Now it's myturn i'm sorry i swear I don't know I can't deal it's all spinning away from my grasp. a train went by and an ran to go catch it, maybe a chance to lay down in its path. i don'tw ant this life anymore I can't deal. finals weeks away and hair falling out, i can't stand up. Scream no. make it all go away. make it all disappear. it's alla mistake, not but it can't be see this is what I mean, I'm so fucking confused i dont' know what i mean. this time was supposed to be different this was supposed to be a new age a new dawning but then it happens again, and leaves me so

hurt i don't feel anything anymore. i can't take it no more. no. no no no no non no non no non ono nono no no no no leave it allllllll. its all my fault i'm a fucking idiot i'm stuck in the past i know it was said and so do you all, can't take it I want to just SCREAM but i can't. and now i have to just deal but i can't don't you see that I can't deal with it all cant cant cant cant. i have to breathe and come up for air dont' get off the ground ground grounded be grounded. i'm not going anywhere, that much shoul dbe clear, but how the hell am I supposed to believe that? HOW, when you don't believe it yourself you all know i am going to fail, die in a pool of blood, i can't i cant no BREATHE but I can't and the voices they come back begging it to end and they scream at me from the tops of their lungs I'm a slacker but i tried so hard but it doesn't matter they all hate me anyways there is nothing for me or so it seems how am i supposed to feel in a situation like that I can't no no no i can't and it is over for me here I can't do it anymore oh but of couse you can now another voice chimes in it's the voice of hope, that little bitch never shuts up, there is always some ray of hope, always one, and he keeps me from the train at night, and he is responsible for the greatest dissappointments in life, why do i still listen, he they are all saying the same thing now and i odn't know which to listen to.

you.
So. Trumpet lesson today. First time I've ever reaped a complement. hell, he even told me "good job" on the way out the door. I'm psyched... at last... something that i work hard at... goes as planned. Audible sigh at this point, now if I could only arrange the same thing or all my other classes. Still a pluthora of cookies to be eeten. I guess I'll have to get on that. Or something.

Do you praise the farmer who works day in day out in his field against failing crops, disease and bad weather. No, you praise the Hero. --- Legend by David Gemmell

-CR

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

Have you ever thought... and wondered, and asked yourself, when was the last time that you were happy to be alive?

"Spirit. It is the hero's strength, the mother's resilience, and the poor man's armor. It cannot be broken, and it cannot be taken away. This I must believe."

-CR

Monday, December 01, 2003

Relief.
And lots of it.

Because, see, I really thought that I had messed up. I thought all was lost, ruined in a ... in a what? I don't know. But I thought it was ruined, that never again would I be thought of as the same, that I would become a different person, that I would change to the boy with dirt on his face and maggots pouring out of his mouth and eyes. the boy that I see in the mirror e3very time that I look. I am still confused I guess. I don't under stand how I am not different, how can I be the same person again. I'm just scared now and I don't know. Never again. I can't let that happen again. I almost feel like it hasn't sunken in yet I'm frightened frightened of everything Feeling so confused. Scream, I want to scream. maybe there was not enough time. maybe that was all maybe I just. But I remember, wait no. I remember.there was something. hold on to that, remember that. that is what it is, that that that that. hold on to that you cannot for get that. this is the bipolarness you need to be careful of this will destory all be careful. Must remember. never forget, never. no. neever. ever.

Inhale
Exhale
Repeat as needed.


-CR