I hate german. It is truley the bane of my exsistance. It is killing my GPA, meaning that I could very well lose that money from willamette for being such a "good student". This is a source of much anger, frustration and tension for me. Not to mention my parents. Yah, about them. I wsh they wern't so "concerned" cause it is really wearing on my nerves. They don't give 3 cents, they just feel it is their duty or some crap like that. Methinks that something does have to be done about german. I SHOULD talk to him about it, get some help and all that, check my grade. But a large part of me doesn't want to care. And would rather give up, despite the fact that there is a great deal riding on my grades this trimester. This is the time, when i wish I was a drunk and I could just drink all the sorrows away. Nevermind the fact that it is against... what? ... against what? I don't know what it is against... except maybe me. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't like to be able to just make the problems go *poof* gone! but who wouldn't right? I'm going to eat cookies now.

"Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it."

-CR

Olympia Chamber Orchesta can suck an egg. What an infernal waste of my time. Some dirty transposition... 2.5 steps, ick. And in incompetant first player complains that she couldn't hear me, only to have the directior chastise us for being too loud. Moron. Oh and let us not forget the talking. My word, to adults EVER shut up? Making excuses for missed notes and crap... I personally dont' care WHY they missed the notes, I just want them to be fixxed. Ah yes, and then the exercise in tedium that is student led discussion. Next time I'm just gonna tell Monique up front that I am allergic to B.S. so she better say something that goes a a bit deeper than an oil slick. Feminism this feminism that. It was 1949. Women's liberation? what's that? NO I don't think a socialist would be writing about that and if you mention it again I will beat you to death with a rubber truncheon! Peanut butter cookies are good. Made even more better-er with milk.
And in OTHER news. Parents being stupid and "worried" about me. Cause I'd rather sleep than schloof about the house for hours. I like the sweet oblivion better than I like life, sleep is the twin of death. Similar in that pork is the other white meat. Paradoxial. Don't you think? No? You dont' think? then leave. Leave now. You know, it wouldn't be so annoying if they were wrong. But the crux of it is. I think something IS wrong here. Things seem to have lost their luster. Similar to how silver tarnishes with use and age, I find that more and more often the world seems to be in black and white. When did life get so boring? When did it stop being fun? Sick of it. Good music though, there is a source of something, I don't know what. Matchbox twenty - unwell. Good music. Though what makes music "good" mostly the listeners ability to relate to it. Thus if you are always happy go lucky, don't listen to that song, and even better, let me know who you are so I can beat you severly about the head and neck with a large Halibut. Even better: a trout. It is late, but I don't feel like going to bed.
The night is nice. Sitting and listening. To nothing. To silence. Does anyone really think about that? The sound of silence... the raw beauty of it? It crushes me sometimes, leaves me in a kind of awe, on the edge of tears. Why is it that only now, when I am getting ready to leave this place forever, I just now see the beauty in it? Driving down the road on my way to school in the mornings, watching the frosted ground pass like a blur, paying no mind to the colors visible through a mist that has settled over a pasture. Firey reds and gentle pinks splayed out on the far horizon, as though the very earth was splitting with emotion. My last fall in this place has already passed me by and I have no memorys of it depite my best attempts to remember the multitude of colors in trees. A corridor of color backed by a cold grey sky, a comforting contrast to say the least. And a bold statement by nature. Even in death there is undeniable beauty. I only wish that I had seen this earlier. Why is it that I never see things and appreciate them while I have the chance? Is this to be the way of my life, always just missing my chance? The saying goes that you never know exactly what you have until it's gone. I wish I could change that. I wish I could know and understand and fully appreciate and love something while it still exsists, while there is still time. Time. Time. Time. There it goes. Never have these moments again. Could I have made them into something different? Maybe, but would I want to? I don't think so. Because whether or not I like what I have become I don't know that I would be any other way.

Although the names change, inside we're all the same, why can't we tear down the walls and show the scars we're covering?

-CR

2S2D - Same shit different day. Wake up at 0620. Get to school at 0705. Absorb information. Get home at 1502. Regurgitate information until tired. Sleep. Repeat for the next few months. Whereupon it gets slightly more interesting. College. ooooo scary. At that point it only gets worse. But I have realized that this whole work thing... it sucks. And guess what. I am going to be doing it for a long time. Yeah, until I die. So: Wake. Consume. Die. Ah good the world isn't all that complicated after all. School sucks, I hate german. I just can't do it, and I find that to be quite frustrifying. Sometimes I just want to quit. I am tired. Tired of everything, tired of being alone, tired of being me. One of those things where if I could do my life over differently I would change things. But now I am supposed to be proud of what I am, and all that feel good crap preached to us by teachers who apparently don't have anything better to do with their time than to blow sunshine up our ass.
You know what else I'm tired of? People bitching about Iraq. I think an example needs to be made, (no I am not joking. This is my actual opinion. Am I a right winger? No not really, just sick of all this diplomatic bullshit.) I think that the entire populace of Iraq should be made to suffer for Saddams decisions. Be it by nuclear bomb, or massive invasion, I want there to be massive casualties on the Iraqi side. Kill everyone. Even those who try to surrender. They need to like us, if they don't like us then they should respect us, and if they don't respect us then they damn well better fear us. This is a step back from my stance earlier where I wanted to slay every man woman and child in Iraq as example. That is just impractical, takes too long, and then the costs of repopulating would be tremendous. And all this diplomacy. Forget that noise, just a bunch of Euro-phreaks trying to avoid war because they realize that they would be exposed as in violation of the UN resolution on Iraq if it was discovered that France has been selling weapons grade uranium to Iraq... or that Germany has been exporting chemical ingredents to Sarin to Iraq. There is no avoiding war. It can only be postponed to the benefit of others. Has diplomacy ever worked? No. It never has. With the possible exception of Korea, though that is also rapidly dissolving into failure. Kill them all, god will know his own.

Life plods on. Encouragement can be found in the Bethis project. Is it a project? Bah I dont even know. If it were to stay as it is now, would I be sad? No. But if I were to miss an oppertunity for something wonderful, then I would be. Time will tell. Well founded project, yet impossible to read. Maybe further research is required. Though I am hesitant due to my utter failure with all other projects, I wonder what to do. Time will tell.



Of couse no blog of mine is complete without some french bashing: How many frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? The answer is unknown. It's never been tried.

-CR

(Note: No you will not understand much of what is posted, where you is defined as the typical reader. However those readers that are atypical will understand much. In short, if you don't understand it, you weren't meant to. Sorry.)

Had a radical thought a while ago. Toasters. I can't get over that one simple item. Think about how totally simple they are, seemingly obvious to us, but imagine the person who invented it. Totally groundbreaking, for a thing that is... well... A toaster for pete sake. Mind-blowing. Midwinter break draws to a close. Grand tour o' colleges also happened this week. Along with trumpet auditions and other adventures of the... er... collegete (?) kind. Though I still know not what I shall do with my foolish life post college, therefore I don't know what I will do with myself in college. A conundrum to be sure. Other aspects of my life are similary vexing. In my post-Jarvis floaty stage, I find myself totally unmotivated to do anything. Thank god for Lund right? A rock of sorts (to use an utterly hackneyed metaphor) a place that is consistant. Reguardless, in this post-Jarvis stage, I find that the theory of universal gravitation is indeed true, for I find myself drawn multiple ways at once, though all forces seem weak at this time. One may grow stronger yet. Time will tell.

Of course no blog of mine is complete without some french bashing: Saw an ad for a French Army rifle on eBay the other day, according to the ad it was in great condition: "Never shot. Dropped once."

-CR