How cool

#5 for #4 and #5

"When they come for me I'll be sitting at my desk, with a gun in my hand wearing a bulletproof vest. Singin' my my my how the time does fly when you know you're gonna die by the end of the night"

- Keseby Nights; Catch 22

Note to self: beware the, "First kid to learn to ride a bike metaphor"

Ha. Um. Yeah.

-CR

me: interested in makening a railgun?
treebucket boy: fuckity yeehaw
treebucket boy: do you even have to ask?

Quality.

Nightmares. They are horrible. And so real, yet not.

I do not like nightmares.

Not about that.

Ha so the girl who talks with her Eyes and I were discussing long distances. And I realized. We've got a leg up on EVERYONE else out there. We've been apart longer. We know what they are in for... the things that happen. We're good at it though, so much happiness. She loves me. It's amazing. I feel all "warm" and, "fuzzy" inside. I don't like being away from her however. I wish, she was right here. Especially now, now that I'm so gross feeling. Stomach flu or something very like it. I want her here to watch me, hold me when it hurts, and tell me it will all be better soon. Only a month and I get to see her again. Excitement. Oh k.... so now, I'm... Yup. Sick again. Back to laying down.

"I find your lack of pants disturbing."

-CR

Music: Tonic - Soldier's Daughter

Operation visit girl who talks with her Eyes movening foreward. without parental consent. Oh that's cool. Thinking of being a BAAAAD boy and buying some speakers just to piss off neighbors. You and your boyfriend go ahead and be loud as fuck (pun intended), at one in the goddamn morning when i'm trying to sleep... I'll just push this nice refrigerator sized subwoofer up against your wall and set it for 100 watts. I'll leave it on alllll night. You won't be getting a WINK of sleep and i'll be nice and happy, for two reasons: I successfully have fucked up your night, and I will be sleeping. thanks to earplugs. Yeah this is foreSURELY a liberal arts school. it wouldnt' be so bad if... GOD can't they do that somewhere else? Somewhere NOT 3 feet from where I'm sleeping? ooohh pent up anger from that one hahahah wooosahhhhh woooosah just gotta..... yeah... ahhh... wooo. sahh.. calm. am feeling better though. ahh. Physics midterm tomorrow. meh. you know what kicks ass? actually knowing what the **** you are doing in MV calculus class. That makes me happy. The class seems to just FLY by. I wonder if maybe... maybe I should switch majors.... and do math. hahahahah the kid who struggled soooo hard with multipication tables, is now goofing off in 3d and messing around with integrals. if only mrs. sortun could see me now. Funny, she thought I was going to be a football star. Ha. Ha ha. hahahah. Other things that make me happy are as follows. Physics prof. talking about blocks pushing on other blocks of different mass and saying, "Block A can't push on Block B i... *pause* oooooh... unless it was a telekinetic block *points at head as though he is usening telekinetic powers to light someone on fire or do something equally as cool* and that would just kick ass." That was quality. I think I am going to go and eat dinner. Alone.

Fun Science fact: Cats suffer LESS injury the farther they fall if the fall is greater than 7 or 8 floors, depending on the height of each floor.

-CR

Ha

ways to feel like an ass: get really really worked up and worried about something.

Look at your archives. Realize that you were wrong. And that nothing is wrong.

Commence Ass-ifying.

being given lecture by roommate about being a nice person. ****er. don't you ****ing tell me what to do! I'm under a little bit of STRESS right now so shut your pie hole!

waiting for the other shoe to drop

I can feel it.

I feel like I am dying on the inside.

it hurts. what am i supposed to do about it. nothing. do nothing. nothing at all.

Shut the fuck up you are always complaining about shit why the fuck don't you ever fucking shut up? do you really think complaining is going to help do you. NO it wont now shutt the FUCK up and get the HELLout of here.

I am going to find a place. Where it is just me.

alone.

maybe I can cry there.

maybe if they are kind they will let me die there.

And leave everything.

maybe.

Something has changed. Something is different. something. something...

I bought a book today. Actually Two books. Actually Three. But one doesn't count... it is just a guide on how to write. Goes by the name of, "A Pocket Style Manual". Next is a book which I may read cover to cover for fun, but in the meantime must read for World Views, The Good War. The Third is one that I bought sheerly for shits and giggles and because I feel as though my brain is shrinking, starved of creative thought and metaphorically rich writing rife with it's hidden meanings and other trickery. The name of this book is The General in His Labyrinth. It is written by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. I'm really flipping excited. Off I go to reading land. Forever. Away from things and thoughts that disturb me. Away from EVERYTHING. I can read and then the world dissappears, and I no longer exsist. Reading is the closest that you can get to suicide except for the blood, and the pain, and the death... oooook so bad analogy... but still. I cease to exsist. I don't think that is a bad thing for me.

You say that I have no power? Perhaps you speak truly... But you say that Dreams have no power here? Tell me... what power would hell have if those here imprisoned were not able to dream of heaven?
-Morpheus
Sandman

-CR

Being lovestruck is a wild, crazy, surprising, and overtly wonderful thing.

I salute whomever invented this whole love concept.

I want to buy him (her? did a girl invent it?) things. Or send them money. Or something.

You know. I bet they would have maked a killing had they only gotten their patent and copyright papers in.

Or something.

But yeah.

Flashbacks to the places the girl who talks with her Eyes and I have been. Both kinds. The physical location, latitude and longitude, but also distances we have journeyed into eachothers being. The feeling is amazing I don't know that such a thing can be described by one as simple as me. Can anyone, anyone capture love and hold it into words? Simple symbols which we recognize as sounds which then we translate to pure thought? I believe love truly has to be experienced. On top of that, I would imagine that it is different for every person therefore how you describe love, is not my love. That is yours, not mine. Maybe that is the way of such things. Love is never to truly be described by a human, for if it ever is, it stands to lose all of its power and allure.

It must be experienced. It must be felt.

Not read in a book. Or a blog. It must be felt.

I am just happy that this feeling, this love, my feeling, my love, is... the way that it is. To describe it would be futile, and stupid. There are only two people that know the force this feeling has. I am one of them. She is the other, and no-one else among you knows at all of what I speak.

And that is the way of things.

"There are mysteries about our love. Things that neither one of us may ever understand because love is an emotion without limit and understanding. We know we love each other but we could never explain completely as WHY we love each other. Love is not a clock. You simply cannot take it apart just to see what makes it tick, and even if you could, you probably could never get it back together again. "

"Remember that you don't choose love. Love chooses you. All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life. Feel the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give it away."

-CR

Second closer was for a foolish boy from Shelton. I think everyone here knows why. *sneer* "A choice" indeed...

Ok so. I'm on the third floor of dorm. That's the number 3. There are thirty-four steps between floors 1 and 3. That's the number 34.

34 is not divisable by 3.

This scares me.

-CR

Friend sent to Childrens Orthapedic Hospital last night in critical condition. Got out of the Intensive Care Unit today at noon. Second trip up there this week. Everything around me seems to die. I am so frusterated. 2 deaths from cancer, one critically sick one still fighting. One blood infection. I tell myself, these are only four people. Only four people... but, I knew them. I liked them. Does this happen to anyone else besides me? At least... at least I am done. It is finished and nothing else is today. This hurts me deeply. Makes me angry. Shit like this is supposed to happen to someone else. Not to people I know. Far, away. Not around me.

Or am I next?

Or... ?

-CR

The super busy day draws to a close... and yet again I have not played horn. There is no fucking time. I have not done anything remotely pleasurable today... one exception that I can think of, and was innerupted by classes and meetings with people. Fatalism sucks. So now stage the last begins. Study for multi-variable. Quiz tomorrow. I'm scared as hell. The day has not been all bad. I got to laugh at my nemisis in Physics today., Just like I do every day. So much negitive energy to channel, so little time... Anyway. yeah. Fucking calculus. Fucking french. Someone buy me a doughnut.

If hospitality does not suit the situation, one must settle for Malice."

-CR

neighbors being loud as fuck. raging pissed. so am I. incredible urge to do something rash. must. restrain. self.

i wish i could cry. i don't want this. i just want things to be like they always were. i don't want to groow up. i don't want to learn german. i don'twa nt to learn about functions of more than one variable. i just want to sit in a corner somewehere and die. this isnt' what i wanted, this isn't the life i signed up for. everything is falling apart. i want to sleep. sleep fixxes everything, except i know that when i sleep i will have to wake up and i will be exactly in the same place. i don't want to exsist. i want to stop. everything stops.

TIME FOR SOME UNWHOLESOME FUN!

yup!

See ya'll later! I'm off to beat up crippled kids.

No, really. I'm serious.

Really.

-CR

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah... 'cuz nooooone really seems to care about anything I have to say at this point I guess I'll just talk to you fine folks. Are there any fine folks that read this anymore? I honestly don't know. Should have some sorta head count. SOOOOO what's there to say. Much drunken revelry last night. Not partaken in, but very much overheard. Through some sort of elaborate accident I have managed to lose my AIM privelages. Therefore new account until AIM decides to NOT be a big fucking dork. Friends make me feel stupider by the minute here. I feel like I have so much work to do. I do have a lot to do. I have a multivariable quiz on tuesday. Homework due tuesday. God. Ich bin fux0red. I feel hopeless. Like it doesn't matter, any of it. I kinda just want to sleep. It sounds stupid, but I feel like I've been working all weekend. Well technically, it's true. Breakfast, and then started work. Dinner and then back to work... talking to folks along the way but, pretty much been working non-stop. AhHAAHAHAHAHA! roomies goofing off being all flirty with girls and not working. FUCK THEM! HA! YOU GUYS ARE TOTALLY FUCKED TOMORROW! AHAHAHA! blah blah blah blah blah the paper working continues. BUT when I finish I'll be finished! And I"ll get to watch everyone else toil! gwahahahahahah! DON'T FUCK WITH ME!

"The fact that you've got "Replica" written down the side of your gun. And the fact that I've got "Desert Eagle point five O" written on the side of mine, should precipitate your balls into shrinking, along with your presence. Now... FUCK OFF!"

-CR

Let me begin by saying that OWDC was a rousing success, the enemy routed and literally washed away. Oh I am so clever.

So this is college. Me sitting, listening to Billy Joel's, "Piano Man" whilst writing and writing and writing and writing. I've only made it 1/3 of the way through. This has taken me 3 hours. So this is college. Welcome to the next 4 years of your life. I really wish that the girl who talks with her Eyes were here... would make everything so much better.

"All thought is immoral. Its very essence is destruction.
If you think of anything, you kill it.
Nothing survives being thought of."
-Oscar Wilde


-CR

Operation, "Wash Death's Clothing" (OWDC from here on out) is underway.

Estimated time until objective is taken: One Hour.

Surprise attack indeed.

YA! LET'S HEAR IT FOR COMBAT LAUNDRY!

-CR

You are The Cap'n!

Some men are born great, some achieve greatness and some slit the throats of any man that stands between them and the mantle of power. You never met a man you couldn't eviscerate. Not that mindless violence is the only avenue open to you - but why take an avenue when you have complete freeway access? You are the definitive Man of Action. You are James Bond in a blousy shirt and drawstring-fly pants. Your swash was buckled long ago and you have never been so sure of anything in your life as in your ability to bend everyone to your will. You will call anyone out and cut off their head if they show any sign of taking you on or backing down. You cannot be saddled with tedious underlings, but if one of your lieutenants shows an overly developed sense of ambition he may find more suitable accommodations in Davy Jones' locker. That is, of course, IF you notice him. You tend to be self absorbed - a weakness that may keep you from seeing enemies where they are and imagining them where they are not.

What's Yer Inner Pirate?
brought to you by The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site. Arrrrr!


Heh Heh. Sweet. Never met a man I couldn't eviscerate. I'd make a good pirate.

-CR

Much controversy over what to do for nine eleven. *sigh* This shit makes me sick. I don't want telethons. I don't want the red cross. I don't want your commermorative fucking khakis. I don't want the all singing all dancing crap of the world to sing for me and tell me what a great tradgedy it all was.

I just want silence.

Silent like the 3,170.

Remember them?

We cannot forget.

Ever.

For I know that they have not forgotten.

-CR

Flex is makening a kilt.

That is so damn weird...

-CR

Another high speed frisbee colision. This one leaves me very bleeding, with my ear 1/4 of the way torn off. Much pain now. Though I imagine the tear will heal and no one will be able to tell, it isn't that I am missing a part of the ear, it's just that the ear came part way off where it is attached to the head. As stated before. much blood to be found there. I need a shower.

-CR

one realization is worth a million prayers.

the past does not matter. the future matters. the decisions that we made yesterday aren't nessacarly the same ones the we'll make today. You recreate yourself everyday. Maybe not that big of one, but for me, it was massive. I'm not the same as i was yesterday. Neither are you for that matter.

-CR

"Every moment is another opportunity to turn it all around."
-Vanilla Sky

And I thought life couldn't get any worse.

Dinner was out of food upon my arrival.

Life is emphermal.

Late to Physics.

Failed two quizzes in aforementioned class.

Did the wrong problems for homework in aforementioned class.

Do over.

Early to German.

Failed my homework assignment.

Circled the whole thing in red ink.

Do over.

Must create dialogue for german.

I cannot write a fucking letter right and she wants a goddamn dialoge.

FUCK YOU BITCH!

On time to world views.

Cut off by teacher.

Made a fool of by teacher.

Scorned by teacher for talking too much in discussion.

FUCK YOU ASSWIPE! I haven't said a word!

Laughed at by class.

Given assignment that I do not understand.

Must redo physics by 5.

Must redo german by 5.

Music at 4:30.

I'm fucked.

What a fucking shitty day.

I want to scream.

I want to die.

I want to cry.

it is a high stakes game we all play

I wonder if god has voodoo dolls.

Feels like it. yup. there's another pin.

I feel. Nothing. I feel. Sad. I feel. Empty and lost and just, alone. Lonliness sucks.

In light of recent events,

The Weathering

The Storm rises.
Frowning on
A little girl standing alone.
Half the size of the wheel.
At the Helm.

Like dust against the winds;
Face twisted into
Determined Grimace
At the Helm;

This is the story of her
Life.

Her eyes squint against the wind.
Searching, Searching.
Past the miles of blue on every side
Past the Storm;

This shall be the story of her
Life.

Her golden hair will fly behind,
Begging her to stay too.
The face will set harder
Eyes will continue their search.
At the helm.

She has never failed before.
She won't start now.

I'm bored. people from shelton being stupid. seeing how much the world has changed. makes me want to scream. how can HE BE SO FUCKING STUPID. GOD. Never underestimate that little fucker's ability to get his fucking self on some goddamn highhorse and preach about virtue and tact and his normal fucking spiel. much anger with that boy. He is not nearly as smart as he thinks he is. Worried about girl from seattle... i have not heard from her... i don't know if she made it back or not... I hope... I hope she did.

-CR

I'm happy. She visited. Exciting, and happy, and we made a recording! I can listen to it whenever I want!

-CR

thank god she is giving me a second chance. i blew it, but she forgave me. everything is ok. we are strong.

i have a sinking feeling that i've only made things worse. in speaking of how hurt i am... that doesn't do anything. what does it accomplish? jack shit. i have to stop it. but it's only been a day... is that too long? YES. it should have been instantanious you jackass! shit happens, you say no biggie and you get on with it. jesus. this isn't fucking rocket science. i'm too busy moaning and groaning and waxing lyrical about scars, brusises and all tha other metaphorical bullshit. how about i just shut the fuck up before i let something wonderful slip away due to me blowing it way out of fucking porportion. i just need to count. count that she finally told me. count that she's safe. count that she hasn't changed her mind, though with all my being a jackass/jerk/immature fuckhead, she may well have decided to change her mind.

i never thought i was the type to cry myself to sleep. i have done the right thing. i know that. but still it feels like my world is crumbling. first i was bitter, then angry. I thought, what a gift... happy fourth #4! but such emotions were of little use. only forgiveness helps. she would do the same for me if i screwed up. but what now. now i do not know what i am. crushed. i do not feel. i feel hollow. as though a part of me has been destoryed. i did not think that such pain could be visited on me yet again. i tell myself she is the same, and she is. but just because she is the same person, and i have forgiven does not mean that the pain will magically disappear. maybe with time the pain will vanish. maybe someday the tears will stop. i have to get through this so things will be just like they always were. but then a part of me rebells and wants to scream. i trusted you! you don't know how hard it is for me to trust someone, how big of a deal that is for me! even now the tears do not stop, and continue on down my cheeks and onto my shirt. but what is done is done. i just have to make it through and time will heal even the deepest wounds. though i don't know that this won't leave me with a scar. it will be ok. it has to be. things like this happen. the worst of it is over. this will pass. things will be just the way they used to be. in time. all i can do until that time is cry. cry until nothing is left.

"The more sensitive you are, the more likely you are to be brutalized, develop scabs, never evolve. Never allow yourself to feel anything, because you always feel too much."

-CR

Have been hitting the replay button often in my head.

Something is amiss with a girl in seattle.

Hm. This intrigues me, and I desire to know exactly what it is. Somehow, I do not think that I will be allowed in however.

Tragic.

"Make sure the people you're spending time thinking about, are worth your thought and essentially worth your life."

-CR

Second day of physics. Blah. Self important people that try to prove their own meddle byu attempting to prove the prof wrong really piss me off. That dumb bitch would have a hard time proving ME wrong. Much less someone who has been in school for umpteen years. Anger level rising. At least no lab today. Anger lever subsiding.

Zen.

-CR

I hate being a toy.

First day of german. I'm scared. Going to get my ass kicked. Paper due Friday. I'm Doomed.

-CR

On Limits, defining

A converstaion needs to happen. Though I know not how to begin it. Or what to say, or even the result that is desired. Only a vague feeling that a conversation does need to take place.

I got a matress at long last.

God be praised. For he is merciful.

-CR

So it begins. What have I done?

Still matressless. Urge to not care, rising.

-CR

"What do I care for your suffering? Pain, even agony, is no more than information before the senses, data fed to the computer of the mind. The lesson is simple: you have received the information, now act on it. Take control of the input and you shall become master of the output."

Chairman Sheng-ji Yang
"Essays on Mind and Matter"

Still no matress for me to sleep on. Frustrifying.

-CR