Parental unit (female) continues to say things that make me wish I had a trout. A clue-by-four better yet. I mean... ugh just. I want to hit her. But I can't cause I can't cause... I CAN'T. and then she says crap like that. It hurts. Burns. Trust my judgement take my word at least. Put some faith in ME for a change. Just so damn irritating. Can't she tell that things are better now than they have ever been? But she wants to go and fuckify everything. Duct tape. that's the answer. makes me sad anyway. words mean things.

"I don't know where I'm going but I sure am getting there."

-CR

Big rain tonight. I liked it. Milo was behaving well, so he and I had some fun on the way home from the german party. Good car. School is winding down. The ride is over, a roller coaster slowing down to enter the paddock. Let one group off and another on. Been thinking about senior will. Don't know what to do with it. Will miss high school. Will miss band. Will miss Bonds. Will miss everyone that I have known and those that I don't. But it is college. This is the long awaited chance for me to start over. The only problem is that now that I have a chance to start over, I don't want to. I like things the way they are. The status quo is good, for me anyway. I don't know about others. Waging a war on redundancy in my writing and speech. Difficult to say the least.

"Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed."

-CR

Things that bug me. Parental Unit (female) bought one gallon of ice cream today. Bringing the total to 1.5 gallons in house. None of which I am allowed to eat. When questioned about this curious frozen dairy delight policy she said it was for her kids.

...

Lemme get this straight. 1.5 gallons. ... For your kids. ... right. And I'm not allowed to have any why? Oh that's right I'm not related to you by blood at all. I guess I'm just a dickhead... When questioned as to my legitimacy as a child of hers she indicated it was for her kids at school. Oh. Damn. Them again. She brings those kids ice cream every other week. Those weeks are the only times that there is ice cream in house. And it is not for public consumption. Frusterifying. Gnah. Other things that bug me: People who steal bleach. I'll just leave it at that. But man it sure is annoying when you go to clean something cause it's your JOB and someone else that works there has gone and taken the 2 gallon jug that you bought the previous week. What The Fuck does someone do with bleach. And is it really worth stealing? People suck sometimes.

"People who smile all the time are either stupid, or hiding something"

-CR

I'd like to take a moment to meditate on hair. Yup.

-CR

Parents picking pictures. Frusterifying. Because they know which ones they want. Only asking my opinion as a sort of rite of passage. A final stamp of approval. So in reality it doesn't matter what I think, or which pictures I like. Because they've already made up their mind. Anger inducing but I'll get over it. They're just pictures. I'm not the one that has to look at my ugly mug hanging on some wall. Got it with the pants on from the german test today. Ouch.

-CR

Really tired today. Girl who talks with her eyes had a rather rough day today. That is too bad, I wish it had been more better-er. I did my best to try and cheer her up a smidge, however I don't know that I helped any. Unfortunate. Sorry about that. And in other news, she mowed the lawn. That was quite possibly the coolest thing ever. No really. I wish I had had a camera or other soul-stealing... erm I mean... picture-taking device so I could remember that forever. But maybe it would be best if I just remembered it. Without the camera. Let my mind take it where it will, remake the water, spread bark dust, change the lighting. Until everything is perfect. Pictures have a nasty habit of showing things in an unflattering light. But memories, everything is always perfect, or rather, perfectly suits the emotion that it brings up Love compassion hate et cetera. But I digress. The point is, the letters in the grass were damn cool. Was accosted by someone wanting to know if I was "intrested in buying some Herb". Jeebus, no! I just want to go and get a coffee damnit. I was in a fucking grocery store parking lot for chrissakes. Angered me greatly. But I didn't lash out. No no. Good me. I just kept walking. Also speaking of lashing out. Blew up at my German teacher today. That man just turns my crank the wrong way some days. Today was one of them. Much anger with him. came oh so close to flipping him the bird and walking out. Restraint is a good thing methinks. But that doesn't mean I can't hold a grudge. Gnah. Speaking with abovementioned girl now... theraputic.

"Hate is baggage. Life is too short to be pissed off all the time."

-CR

On Girls. Foolish.

The Fools were at it again. Projectiles. This was the source of much anger and further resentment. Although a wise man once said, "Don't get mad, just get even."
So be it.

"Beware the wraith of a patient man"

-CR

Tower of Power. Yeah. About that. Whoa. just. Whoa. Picked up two Gypsies and the girl who talks with her eyes. Seemed like it was a short trip to seattle and back. Anyway. Band totally and utterly rocked. No really. I mean it. Asked said girl to Prom too. I had been thinking about the perfect way to do it for quite a while actually... and then it just kinda hit me... So I arranged for a plate to be delivered for dessert. And on the plate the word "PROM?" was scribed. yes. However, I soon realized that I would feel like quite the jerk if I didn't have any flowers or something. However, there were no flowers anywhere in sight. Bummer. So I folded one. I was proud. Hopefully I didn't embarass too much, and hopefully that was an appropriate way to ask and all. Better than any alternatives that I had come up with. Spray paint is a good way to anger people. Even if it does come off. Anyway. Tomorrow is monday. Gross. Not a big fan of mondays. I used to get color far sides on mondays. Not anymore though, calender (calendar?) is depleted. Speaking of the far side... I still have a color far side the belongs to the girl that sounds like the ocean... I'll have to deal with that. Meant to do it this weekend... but just didn't get around to it. Too busy buying spam and the like. ANd books, about cooking spam. It is the miracle meat after all... so yeah. Methinks I should bed down. Sleep would be a good thing.

"The way of life can be beautiful, but we have lost the way. Greed has poisoned men's souls -- has barricaded the world with hate -- has goose-stepped us into misery and bloodshed. We have developed speed, but we have shut ourselves in. Machinery that gives abundance has left us in want. Our knowledge has made us cynical; our cleverness, hard and unkind. We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery we need humanity. More than cleverness we need kindness and gentleness. Without these qualities, life will be violent and all will be lost."
Charles Chaplin
"The Great Dictator" 1940

-CR

On words. Pondersome.

Yeah so ran across something just a bit ago. And I think with a little wrenching and tweaking, it applies to all of us, but just think about it for a smidge. Yeah.

"I've learned that you can't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands, you have to be able to throw something back"

Like I said. It deserves thought. No more than that. But it was just something kinda struck me. Too busy being offended by people to have the radical idea occur to me, that they don't matter. I guess that's the throwing back part. There can't be a game of catch if I catch the ball, pocket it and then walk off. Just like there can't very well be a hamburger without... erm. Hamburger. Yes. Fuck. There goes the tone, and the register, AND the metaphor I was going for. Man I really suck at this subtlety crap. There is a frigging REASON I lack tact. Anyway. Yeah so those people... that I'm thinking about... really hard... Right now... you know... the ones that think of me as some kind of scum growing on a pond? Yeah. You guys don't matter. Thought I'd let you know. Yeah. Laziness is a beautiful thing. As is sleep however. As is a tactless SOB trying to be all clever and tactful. Wow. I wonder if someone teaches a class about that kind of thing.

It isn't that I lack tact. It's just that I'm blunt. Ok yeah fine. Only because I'm only blunt because the last time I tried to be tactful I ended up with a really big Halibut in the trunk of my car. Details details...

-CR

Feeling like shit all over again. But this time I know why. But am absolutely powerless to do anything about it. I want to break something. Makes me so angry that I've managed to fuck something up so totally and utterly perfectly. And now can't find a way to un-fuck it. i've tried, but at the same time I have not and just GOD i hatemyself sometimes.

Should really meditate on the impact that hastily spoken barbed words can have on people. Queer that with so little effort, we can inflict so much pain on one another isn't it? About now I am remembering one word spoken to me by a good friend. Think. Simple enough I suppose. But something that I still manage to not do before I speak. I wasn't aware I was so caustic to people, yes sometimes, but I wasn't aware that it was perceived all the time. This troubles me and leaves me feeling quite guilty and rather disturbed. And sad.

"People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel"

-CR

Mmmk. Friday night was. Good really. Further adjustments and calibrations are being made. Plenty of time. And it was just fun to boot. Though I was unable to disengage with school very effectively following review session. That took much more longer than it needed to. But oh well, minor speed bump and then a small lesson in tact. I'm not very tactful. No. Not really.

"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on."
-Winston Churchill

-CR

Still feeling good. Though I cannot help feeling as though I am not doing things right... I keep feeling like I'm messing up somehow, ineptitude sucks. I just hope that I'm not hurting any feelings, which is possible, yet would be highly regretable. Last english test today. I lay down the smack all over that mother-effer, and where my, "posse" at, "yo"? Ahem. Anyhow. Yeah, history review tonight... 6:30... w00t! w00t! -age. I'm excited. Can't you tell? And what else. More Equus today, that was fun and exciting. And oh, yeah. HA no more English Testing! gwhwhahaha. Oh, right. But there is still history. Drat. I am pond scum. And.... it's friday. And... I'm doing NOTHING. This situation must be fix-ed. And now.

"I didn't realize then that so much of being adult is reconciling ourselves with the awkwardness and strangeness of our own feelings. Youth is the time of life lived for some imaginary audience."

-CR

And now for something completely differn't: I feel good. Just yeah. Funny how this turned from more than a place to post thoughts into more of a hey lets listen to some fool rant on and on about totally absurd topics. More often than not I think I made no effing sense but hey! lesson learned right? 'cept what lesson is that exactly? Right... Hum. What lesson was that again? Anyway. Lund has Equus. It's a horse in all senses of the word. According to the clever one, it is a very good reason that one should never ever mix LSD and Cocaine... yeah. Drove the trumpet teacher nuts with it today. Amusing. So that made my day good... got to play that tune, and then got to hang around with a girl who can talk with her Eyes (my apologies to 2nu) quite a bit. Always makes me feel quite, "warm" and, "fuzzy". The quotation marks foresurely make that sentence happen. Don't think I could admit to feeling warm and fuzzy without them. Strange to feel good for a change. But I foresurely wouldn't trade it away, strange yes, but there is a good strange and a bad strange... this... this is a good strange as feeling good is an obvious improvement over feeling bad so what the hell am I calling it strange for. Oh, right. Had forgotten what it was like. Yeah. It's good. Not being very coherent this evening am I? Further proof that only females are capable of multitasking. Also partially to blame for why I cannot drive a stick to save my life. It's a life skill. I'll learn some day. Late start tomorrow. Whooppee. Also senior picture tomorrow... and then english on friday... I'd say that is about a 9 on the ohhellometer. Blasted IB. You want world lit? I've got your world lit right here! /me shakes fist in the air as if to somehow show anger and frusteration with the IB gods. Milk is good.

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can not get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."

-CR

I have just discovered. Sisters have theived all of my yummy-compfy sweatpants and shirts. Much anger this causes. Well maybe not anger. But it forsurely sucks a whole mess of happy juice out of today. That is very unfortunate. For when I was drivening home a few moments ago. I saw something that was quite incredible, and utterly beautiful. Cherry trees were losing blossoms and petals (pedals?) in the wind. However, there was a thermal updraft due to the hot concrete of the road and it pushed them upward and back whence they came, then the wind would catch them again and push them back into the updraft. so it was a carousel of these pink pieces of confetti all over the air. Kodak moment. Again, WHY haven't I put a camera in my car. Gnah.

"Apologize(vb.): To lay the foundation for a future offense"

-CR

Blogged this last night, blogger was being foolish. So now I blog it now:

Just got home. And now I sit here, crying. I do not know why. Feeling horrible. Maybe if I sleep it will all go away. Maybe.

-CR

Sleep did not fix anything. Feel the same. If not even more worser. Don't feel like doing anything. But now I have to go and do things that I don't want to do. Including studying for an IB Math Test. No. I don't want to. Even worse is taking one... and then another one the next day. I want to sleep some more. But I can't. I don't want to go to school tomorrow either. Is the test in the morning or is it in the afternoon? I don't remember... I really should find that out. Maybe if I just wait, this will go away. maybe.

"I wept, but only a little. It didn't seem that weeping was going to do any good." He sighs. "It doesn't change anything. It just makes me feel a bit more alive. I don't know whether that's good. While you're alive, you're hurting."

"It's the possibility that when you're dead you might still go on hurting that bothers me," she says grimly.

-CR