truth and reconciliation

i have cut myself down. as mayhaps it should be. let go of the illusion that was once labeled virtue. leave it crumpled in the corner, a new name scribbled messily across its face.

take it easy there, metaphor boy.

no more justice.

no more goodness.

i wish to hold all that is rightious and pure in my hand, and crush it.

no more angry. no more complexity. check yes or no. i wish to become a monster. i wish to become ruthless. i wish to become what everyone seems to think that i already am. i wish to be a terrible person.

let the games begin.

"When you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you."
Friedrich Nietzsche

-CR

i am the resistance.

hung out with a cowgirl tonight. and her, "posse" or something like that.

been keeping busy as best as i can. or can't do. i'm really sore. i'm doing exactly what I didn't want to be doing this summer, and that is working 40 hours a week. Granted that the money produced is decent... the lack of spare time has me wanting to kill shit. and the getting up at crap o'clock in the morning has got me pretty angry too. not real big fans of my coworkers either. I think if you added their two IQs together you'd end up with a figure in-between that of mayonaise and dejon mustard. took some flak for what i'm doing for a job from my contemporaries. i asked what job it was that they possessed that was so much better than what I'm doing. course, the subject didn't have one. The aforementioned subject what promply told to commit a sexual act with itself.

while i'm thinking about it. "connections" i dont' want a job through connections. uncle offered to set me up with a few things, put in a few words for me at various places that were owned by friends of his. i told him no thank you. i want to make it under my own steam. when I am offered a job i want to know that they consider me the best. I dont' want to be sitting there, feeling in debt to someone. costing them money, either with my incompetence or with the fact that I'm simply unnessicary. I'm not going to take a job from the person that is actually qualified to do it. may the best man win. not the man who knows the most people, or any number of the other things that people leverage employers with. i want to know that i don't owe anyone anything. i want to know that i deserve to be where i am.

which i suppose explains where i am then doesn't it.

currently pondering replaceablity. we're all kind of interchangeable aren't we.

also pondering the human desire for companionship. why?

because.

why not?

because.

god i've been angry the past few days, weeks. work makes me angry. very very angry.

'fo shizzle my nizzle this is the plot listen up, you bizzles forgot slizzle does not give a FUCK!

paradigm shift.

it isn't so much,

as it is,

there's a difference there.

this is going to be utter horseshit.

trying to figure out what to say now. the only way this can be sorted out so that you understand, is if we actually communicate somehow. much of what you said was right. and this is so much what i am afraid of. i'm not trying to burn you. i'm not trying to make you out as a terrible person. and you're right, personal shit is called personal for a reason. i was afraid that i'd blow it. looks like i already did. holding on too tight. i don't know how to just let go.

all i can say is that i'm sorry. and that you are right. the rest i cannot say, because i have to say it to you, not an imaginary audience that doesn't really exsist. and it really isn't that... i don't know. so many things i want to write down before they leave... no where to put them...

my cat is very sick. threw up on me and my bed last night. little bit of cleanup after that. she has been shedding non stop for about 2 weeks now. she does not have very much hair left now. what a shitty 2 weeks. it's so hard to know that she hasn't once looked back. makes me feel even worse. she is totally fine. totally happy. and i'm the one carrying the heartbreak. i have to get on with it. get over it. but then i start making excuses for myself. for gods sake it has only been a week and a few days. not even 2 weeks and she's over it. that really hurts. guess i was right in what i thought a year ago now. i'm just a toy. pick me up when convenient, put down when tiresome. except it isn't so much getting put down as being thrown into the fireplace to burn. if there is ever another girl that i care for like i did her, i know that i will never love the same. only minutes before she reevaluated she tells me she's inlove with me. what is that supposed to mean to me when some one else tells me that? if someone else tells me that. i know i'll believe them. but i will be waiting for the time when i show up at their door and they tell me that i need to sit down. why should i sit down anyway? are they afraid that i am going to fall over from shock? yeah... i'll always be waiting for that moment. i was waiting for it this time. it's really too bad that i was right.

hurts to know she is leading a charmed existence. a single room, a great job, no parents, no boyfriend, and no regrets. i somehow picture her skipping to classes. happy to finally be rid of me, like it was some great master plan from the beginning.

then i look at myself. i'm at home. my parents torture me for fun, bringing up my failures at school and with my personal life. they keep telling me that i should never have given her a second shot. i don't have a job. i have busted my ass trying to find one. but there is nothing. and no one to hold my hand for all of it. i used to take alot of sympathy and companionship from my cat. but i don't think she will be here much longer. anyone's guess really. and lets not forget regets. i have plenty of those.

it just does not seem fair, how she can have everything. how she does have everything. how she can forget everything, while i'm left with all the memories. i always told her, my memory is as much a curse as it is a blessing.

life isn't fair.

maybe someday there will be a girl that will support me when i need it. maybe there will be one that will make me feel like i'm worth something, something more than just a toy. maybe there will be one that can make me smile like she used to. maybe there will be one, who doesn't scare me. maybe there will be one who knows how to be sincere. maybe there will be someone that knows that no relationship is "meant" to be, it's all about work.

i'm not holding my breath. i tried. i failed. no more girls. no first moves. no talks into the early mornings. i'm sick of this shit. i wondered why so many of the people i knew at willamette were unattached, and in no way shape or form looking for someone to attach to. i guess i'm one of those now. all i need now are retractable spikey bits to make sure i don't get subjected to any hugs. i fucking hate hugs. it's always some bitch that you don't even know and you're like, what the fuck, get the hell off of me.but nooooo they have to show how much they care. and they don't either. they don't effing care. they're just too stupid to know what the fuck else to do. if you wanna fucking HELP then LISTEN. don't wrap your arms around me and squeeze like i'm some kind of god damn chew toy.

[WiLdSeXyPrInCeSs]: i luv guyz where would they be wifout us gals???
[XeNoX]: Still in the Garden Of Eden you gullible bitch.

-CR

this is a world of pain for me. she's the only reason i am still here, i would have checked out long ago. now she's gone though, and with her goes that reason. i try to shake my head out, clean the cobwebs and nostalgia out. but i can't. walking out of health department, i hear a girl playing audioslave on her car stero... what am i supposed to do about that? i'm supposed to just forget... but i don't forget. i know that she doesn't feel anywhere near like this, she's prolly just glad to be rid of me, and find someone that is many times better than i'll ever be. for her, that's still a good song, and it's something she might remember that she had trouble finding the summer after senior year. i'll just be left with the memory of her singing in the car. her voice gone forever from my future. i really can't take this. it hurts so much and i don't know what to do with mysefl. i tell myself that i have to be strong, that i have to take it like a man. but i can't. if i meet another girl, fall for her. i might as well save myself the time and trouble. instead repeat the words that every girl i've had feelings for has told me, youre a nice guy but you don't make my blood boil. i just don't understand. i tried so hard, worked so hard to build something special and it falls apart like this. i feel so insufficient. i feel like such a failure. because i am... everything that i had to give, it wasn't enough. that hurts me. i did everything. i want so bad to just stop exsistance. i doin't want to be me anymore. but i can't do that. i cant. i want to be someone else. forever. no tears. i ran out of those long ago. i wish i could cry. it would ease the pain. can't cry. bottle it. how else do the walls go back up. i don't want girls anymore. they don't want me at the very least. no one comes through. if i bring them down i'm just going to get burned again. it's never going to stop. i started thinking about what i have to offer... and that's nothing. i want to leave. and make ita ll go away. no happy endings. ogres don't get happy endings.

alright, so now what. I have no freaking clue. I guess I try and find a job. i feel like it is some kind of mistake, that we need to talk it over, and it will somehow work out, because... it always does, somehow. She said she felt weak, does that mean it can somehow come back? Does that mean that she doesn't have a certain dizzy, lightheaded feeling? isn't that normal? things like that are supposed to fade, aren't they? and in their place is a comfort, just being totally comfortable with the person. But I can't say any of this to her can I? If I do that, I'm hanging on too tight, i'm not taking my rejection, like a man, not taking it gracefully. Maybe if we stay friends somehow... then if it is meant to be, like if we're supposed to be together, it will happen. Not having heard anything at all kills me inside. maybe she thinks what is done is done, and that it is time to get over it all. maybe she thinks that the ball is in my court. I'm so angry with myself for leaving so soon. if somehow things were going to be fixxed magically, that was going to be the time, that would have made things easier, if I had just, not acted like I was being thrown out. slowed down, just a little. for just one question, "are you sure?" I feel like now, she is DEFINATELY sure, she knows that i need to be gone... but i just don't understand... how she can fall for me without even seeing me. And then when I show up, she tells me that i don't make her feel a certain certain way. she mentioned something about this being the third time she's done it to me. yeah, she's right. that is one helluva pattern. but what if the whole time she hasn't been able to see the forest for the trees? she said once that she talked with sally about things that are "normal" to feel in a relationship. that was december. she said that what she feels now, was just like december. she said 2 weeks ago now, as she held me, that she just felt so comfortable around me... isn't that worth something? i thought that was what it was all about. i really want to talk to her, talk about all this. i have to wait for the weekend i'm sure. she does have alot to do. am i hanging on too tightly? i don't know. i really don't know. i'm trying to follow my heart again, a practice that got me in this situation in the first place. But i cannot say that i did not enjoy the journey. i really don't want it to stop. i feel like we aren't done yet. but maybe that is just denial? so many questions, so many that I don't even come close to being able to answer. not on my own. i really need help, except i'm really afraid to ask for it. i feel that the answer is already one that i know. i just can't get it through my head.