who AM i?

scary thought that i don't know that anymore. do you say what you mean? does every word count? or do you just throw them about, hopig to please your audience, evade confrontation. go home, damnit. figure your shit out.

-CR

four hours later the project is done.

stopped by today, I don't know why. she seemed happy to see me. Her world seemed to be falling apart. I wanted to be there for her, but I didn't have time. Tragic case of irony, that. There are still far too many unknowns in that equation. I am trying to not think about it, hope nothing and never be disappointed.

The moon was fantastic tonight... high in the sky, the low lying clouds racing over its silloette. Between that and the perfumed air of the early morning, it was something out of a dream. Remember those? I'm not sure if I've given up, or if i have matured as a person. I don't know that I'm really that interested in being exactly what I've become, however.

Two days makes it all over again. The crash has come and gone. It's a macabre ritual of some kind. And that's alright, because it's what I need. If my world is not teetering on the edge, why bother?

Think about these this time. No really. I mean it.
if you haven't danced, what the fuck did you come for?

life is no fun if you don't get your ass handed to you on a silver platter every now and again.

-CR

So it's been awhile... and I'm finding myself 97.67% torn (the odd 2.33% voted for the green party) between 2 options. I'm thinking to myself just let it go, and keep moving... but then that other part of me, says that I would be a fool to give up now. Don't give up until you're fully shut down right?

IN the meantime: Coming to realize more and more that most folks simply see me as a means to an end. "Burn this CD for me." "Print this paper for me." "Read this paper for me." "Okay, now leave." "Hey, we're all leaving this weekend, so you'll have to put together the project by yourself." And don't I wish that I was making this up. I don't think that I like hanging around with people anymore. They come running when their world comes tumbling down. But who is going to help me when I need it? And the thing is, no one will. I try to accept that I'll be alone for my life, but i dont' want to accept it. I don't want to be alone.

I'll never have the chance to give a girl my coat to keep her warm.

I'll never get to wait for hours to be there with a rose when she wakes up.

I'll never walk in the rain because I've donated my jacket to my date.

I'll never get the chance to kiss someone in the pouring rain.

I'll never be able to remember a birthday.

I'll never have the chance to choose the perfect gift.

I don't want to miss out on these things... but I don't think there is much choice.

"Common sense is what tells you that the world is flat."

-CR

dude fuck this shit. I'll be damned if I'll sit here and be ig-fucking-nored. Your move bitch. No visits or any that bullshit. I'm done wasting my time with you.

-CR

It is good to be a Republican.

-CR

so lets review shall we?

having a disproportionate amount of trouble getting my act together. Either I've adapted to sleep through my alarm, or it has developed the unfortunate trait of unreliabilty. I guess I'll have to set two alarms from now on to make sure that this does not happen any further. also realizing that I am starting to get behind in some of my classes. Need to stay on top of things.... too distracted with others though.

I mean isn't this the way that it always goes? You flip out partially into the semester, thinking you're screwed cause you've been screwing around all semester, and so you work your ass of to catch up right? At some point I'll have to break that cycle, but I don't think that now is the time for that. I really want a better chair. This one leaves me woefully unsatisfied. I MUST HAVE ARMRESTS!

Krimson continues to sit on the back burner and Emmanuel seems to be off the stove entirely. Fair play to you. Most of it is just insecurities holding me back. Was I always this afraid? What does this say about me as a person? Am I not the person who is supposed to not care what others have to say, or what people think for that matter. There is supposed to be an inheirant confidence, self worth, in there somewhere. Hrm. I smell a scavenger hunt.

Either that or someone is making pancakes in the basement again.

"Some stories are true that never happened."
-Elie Weisel

-CR

i feel like i just got kicked in the stomach.

hard.

Two things for immediate commentary:

shit like this... makes me want to throw up:

omg omg omg... diary...
i'm sho happi tt i cried...
he said gd nite to me...
then he smiled..
and went offline...
its not much..
but he spoke to me..
i love him so much...
i just cant help it....
*cRying 4 hapPinEss*


- posted by gUiwaWa @ 10:33 PM

that girl... needs to be stabbed in the face. Emo bullshit like that, has no place in the realm of the sane. And the gibberish that she types... it isn't even fucking intelligible.

and the other thing for immediate comment is:

oh, yay for the human spirit. nice to see there is life here afterall.

-CR

music that makes me cry, volume 28: third eye blind - jumper.

you see... this is the thing that bugs me about girls like her. She compains and complains, "there are no guys that I want to date at this school..." well if you go prancing around in a miniskirt and tubetop at all the frat parties what do you think you're going to attract? You don't look like the most classy thing around, so why are you expecting to catch some prince in the sweatboxes that pass for parties around here? And then the poor kids that do fall for you, you treat as if they were your personal toys. To be played with until they break, then discarded. Afterall, you're not the one that has to clean up the mess. Pick up the pieces any try to put a person back together again. That's not the easiest fucking thing to do in the world bitch. But whatever. You don't care. So sit there with your dousche friends, and heckle the boy that walks by, starved for some of your attention. Bait him into saying something stupid and then as he walks away make your biting snide remarks to look clever.

But what goes around comes around.

It’s hard to believe
That there’s nobody out there
It’s hard to believe
That I’m all alone
At least I have her love
The city she loves me
Lonely as I am
Together we cry

I don’t ever want to feel
Like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all the way

Red Hot Chili Peppers - Under the Bridge

-CR

I've got my new mouse.

And there was much rejoicing.

In other news: Definately not ready. Not by any stretch of the imagination.

-CR

if this is what you're seeing, if this is what you're feeling than you know that you aren't ready.

it might seem like now is the time. But you aren't ready.

Almost... but not ready. Not yet.

oh god damnit.

back from "band camp". Interesting times, met some folks and had some fun. Frizzbee was a blast. I don't know that I've ever felt so alive as I did for those 2 hours. It was sweat and blood and pain. And glory. How else are you supposed to know you're alive if not by those four? And I had some thinking time for myself as well. A few things were made apparent to me, the way she acts and carries herself. She knows that she is classicaly beautiful. She wants to be the object of desire for as many people as possible. It inflates her self image and gives her confidence. I suppose that's why I walked away, and will continue to do so. I'll be damned if I'll be played off as someones boy-toy again.

Speaking of that, I visited my first football game here... I think it was fun. Barring of course the migrane that I got halfway through the bloody thing. Seemed to be related to noise. Intended to leave at halftime, but I ran into some folks, ended up staying until near the end. I had to bow out at the vast second because I was afraid that I was going to throw up from the pain. Made it back to campus alright though, and crashed for an hour to sleep off the headache. I wake an hour later to the sounds of roomie coming back for the weekend. Head downstairs for some belated dinner. Consisted of pizza and chocolate milk. It wasn't much, but it was something. Whereupon I ran into an as of yet unnamed entity. We spoke for roughly an hour, mostly about the lack of community, and the difficulties inheirant in finding a suitable companion. Then I once again came into contact with Albatross. Nice girl. But time will tell. There are all sorts of iffy issues on that one. And one potential game-breaker. But like I said time, will tell.

Currently looking at my keyboard. The one that I desire intently to replace. Wondering how many messages of love have passed through it's keys, as I notice the wear patterns on the keys, and the smooth glossy finish on the plastic frame, where my hands rest whilst typing. I wonder how many messages of hate too. yeah, it prolly is time for this one to go. in its place something else. Something clean. Yeah. Definately something clean. This thing is gross. Don't even know what some of the crap on this thing IS anymore. It's just... gross. Lint and junk on the sides, as well as below the keys themselves.

Anyway. No real movement to report. only ... what... one on the list now I guess. Ugh. well fuck that. No. there's nothing on the list. cause I've gotten sick of being stood up time and time again. I'm starting over damnit.

Sometimes I feel
Like I don’t have a partner
Sometimes I feel
Like my only friend
Is the city I live in
The city of angel
Lonely as I am
Together we cry

I drive on her streets
’cause she’s my companion
I walk through her hills
’cause she knows who I am
She sees my good deeds
And she kisses me windy
I never worry
Now that is a lie

Red Hot Chili Peppers - Under the Bridge

-CR

Mmm....

hugs are great. red hot chili peppers. They're also good.

frisbee god getting ready. I'm a bit out of shape, but if I can pull out some of that jedi shit like i did at lakefair... twill be a good day indeed mothafukas.

Hmm. about that. Apparently I'm not nearly the gangsta that I thought I was.

"now, I don't ever wanna feel, like I did that day.
take me to the place I love, take me all the way."
Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Under the Bridge"

-CR