On Jet Planes, Leaving

All my bags are packed
I'm ready to go
I'm standing here outside your door
I hate to wake you up
To say goodbye

But the dawn is breakin'
It's early morn
The taxi's waitin'
He's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome
I could die

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

There's so many times
I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I tell you now
They don't mean a thing

Every place I go
I think of you
Every song I sing
I'll sing for you
When I come back
I'll bring your wedding ring

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

Now the time
Has come to leave you
One more time to let me kiss you
Then close your eyes
And I'll be on my way

Dream about the days to come
When I won't have
To leave you alone
About the time
I won't have to say

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

-"Leaving on a Jet Plane", John Denver

I thought I had things figured out. I really did. But now I seem to be back to where I started. If this is supposed to be the best time of my life then why is it that I am so chargined? Part of it is that I know this is the last time that I will ever see many of these people, as I am assureadly not worth a call when people do get back. Feeling worthless again. I shouldn't, but I do. I feel like no matter what I am bound to fail at whatever I do. I feel like someone; be it my parents, a school, or god is stacking the deck against me. And then a small voice knows and tells me on a regular basis that it's all just my problem. No one is out to get me, it is just the way that I am, I lack the motivation to work hard enough to make things happen and then turn right around and blame others for my own laziness. This bugs me. I also dislike fear. Though I suppose it is only natural... I wish I wasn't. And then I wonder if it is really fear at all... I don't know that it is, more like a fear of screwing up, that I'll do something wrong and feelings will be hurt. Well I suppose that would make it fear then wouldn't it. I'm a moron.

"The more sensitive you are, the more likely you are to be brutalized, develop scabs, never evolve. Never allow yourself to feel anything, because you always feel too much."

-CR

Hum. state of the blog. It's still here. I'm still here. Just. Busy. Kinda. Things are developing well, though I often find myself confused as to what I am supposed to do next, and the differences in what I should do what I can do and what I want to do. On the whole however feeling well. However. I worry. The future worries me. There is so much of it, and so little of me and that is a very scary thing. I know it will bring changes but I don't know exactly what the changes will be. The best thing to do I am sure is take everything one day at a time, really that is all you can do, thinking too far ahead tends to only make things worse. I suppose that I can only hope for the best...

"...just hold me and maybe tomorrow will never come"

-CR

Prom last night... was without a doubt the best night of my life. Everything went swimmingly and according to plan. Roses were picked, crossige looked well, had five roses on it, serendipity indeed. Grass on the beach was dry, good thing. sprinklers didn't come on whilst down there, better thing. However I hope I didn't come off as too much of a dork with the dancing under the stars bit. Dorky or not, I wanted to, so it's good that it happened. Other things went well too. Fire lit on the first try. Putting it out was more of a challenge however. Kicking fire met with very little success, and the hose proved to be exceptionally problematic, as it was not long enough, however water pressure and the correct application of it is a wonderful thing... wish it hadn'd stopped. Was significant rug being cut last night as well, twixt Clever, and company; The Guy, and company; and the Girl who talks with her Eyes and company. Us rocks. The train was also fun. Choo choo. So much to say and to so many to say it to, I can't get it all here. I could write for... a long time and still leave things out. So I'll stop it here. What a night. Wow.

"Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Sing like nobody's listening.
Live like it's Heaven on Earth.
Dream as though you'll live forever.
Live as though you'll die today."

-CR

Last band concert. Sad. Made me want to cry. Because that is it. That is the culmination of all of my efforts for the past years. That, right there, is the most dynamic, friendliest and not to mention BEST group that I will ever play in. Makes me want to cry. Because it's over. Some of the most incredible music ever played by a group I was with. And now, when it seems that things are just falling into place, when things are really going well. It's over. I've always fooled myself into thinking that somehow, OTHER people graduate. Always seemed so far off, like it would never happen. And now, it would appear that it is staring me in the face. I'll miss Lundberg. I'll miss all of my friends. That's what it is. I'm not just losing a class, or a teacher.

i'm losing my way of life.

Orchestra people give shouts of glee at the end of their concert, glad to be done with it all and finally away from Nardillo. None of that for us. Only glum faces and sad farewells. Though really it isn't goodbye yet. But in a way it is. And now the ride really is over. And it is my turn to walk away, if somewhat in a stupor, but when I leave I let someone else take my place, and I can only hope, and wish that they will enjoy and appreciate the ride more than I did.

"There is in truth no past, only a memory of the past. Blink your eyes, and the world you see next did not exist when you closed them. Therefore the only appropriate state of the mind is surprise. The only appropriate state of the heart is joy. The sky you see now, you have never seen before. The perfect moment is now. Be glad of it." -Terry Pratchett

-CR

Fried basson. Yummy. After their crap-tacular preformance tonight methinks that it is in order. What else? hmmm. Trophy building tomorrow. 9 am in the band room! come! bring doghnuts! it will be fun! Right. Need to come up with program notes for Equus tonight as well. Eep. Methinks I'll pun as much as possible, evoke groans from a captive audience. yes yes. Need to say something else. But can't. Oh well. Really wishing I was able to be with the girl who talks with her eyes now. Looking out the window and seeing that everything is lit in a purple glow. Must be a fantastic sunset. There will be others like it yes, but today only happens once.

"Suicide is your way of telling God: you can't fire me. I quit. -Bill Maher"

-CR

Feeling icky in more ways than one. Icky the first is the physical kind... just icky. sick sucks. Second is more mental. Got yearbooks again today, noticed that I was not in either the tennis section or the band section. yeah no biggie, considering that both groups were so damn large that shouldn't come as any surprise. But still, both were things that I really worked hard at and the superficial, green-with-envy part of me is disappointed that if I was to look at that book in 20 years, I could easily forget that I ever did such things at all. Those, along with all the, "inspirational letters" that I got in english.... the letters that we were forced to write, they were supposed to lift spirits. So yeah, just feeling worthless after that. How else are you supposed to feel when letter after letter only says, "I don't know you, but good luck." But I've known you for 10 years. How does it work that you haven't known me? Or better yet, the people who "don't know you that well", but still know what is wrong with you. I don't like people. They say things that make you bleed.

-CR

Wow. Being sick sucks. You could prolly throw me into shark infested waters and the rediculious things wouldn't touch me for fear of catching this stupid disease. Just finished sleeping for a good 5-6 hours., and plan on doing more but I had the desire to touch bases with the girl who talks with her eyes before going off for the night. Again, Endorphins are a wonderful thing. Head pounding. Promenade this weekend. Verily excited, and memorable as well hard to believe that highschool is over. For ever. Whoa. Band concert Thursday... last one, ever. Whoa.

"is your toaster supposed to moo?"

-CR

Had the extraordinary privelage to accompany girl who talks with her eyes up to tacoma today. 6 hours. I loved it, was a blast. Despite her thinking the contrary. Anyway, got to spend much time with her, which is what I like anyway. Endorphins are a beautiful thing. As is bob the builder apparently. Yeah. Don't ask. Strange things include: people that wash their feet in the sink at mcdonalds. remote locks on doors to said sink. And parks. named for fireman, but have nothing to do with firemen at all. Crypic. Fish tacos tonight. Good stuff. One might even say they are, "nummy" Parents have recanted for harsh words. That is a good. Life is good. Feeling good. Except for a damn annoying head cold.

"A man wearing a funny hat is not funny. But a man who doesn't know he's wearing a funny hat ... ah, now you've got something."

-CR